Cute Ben Is

Anika and Emmet insisted Ben be Yoda for Halloween. Thankfully, I was able to procure an infant's Yoda costume so their dreams weren't crushed. I don't even know how they know who Yoda is or how they came up with that. Cute he is.

Ben had a checkup today. 24% weight, 74% height, just about identical to Anika at this age.

Anika was being weird this morning and I kept asking her if she felt okay. Finally, I felt her and she was hot, the thermometer confirming a fever. Too bad because today I was supposed to go to her school to help. I will be helping in her class every Wednesday.

Uggghhh, is it that time of year now? One bug after another?

But I'm loving the clouds and rain. This is the first time I've stopped sweating in six months!

Who knew sexism could be so funny?

This.

I have this problem.

Not concubines... but difficulty conveying meaning.

Words are weird.

10

Last night's post got me thinking a lot about that period of my life... 10, 11, our house on a street called Arbon, and my Dad.
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Janna and I were downstairs playing Tetris. (Remember Tetris?) My Mom came downstairs and said (I can remember it so clearly), "Your Father is leaving. Is there anything you would like to say to him?" And I don't know if it was how she said it or what that made me respond, "I do."

I said I did but I didn't. There was this bizarre dynamic with my Mother when it came to my Father. I felt, even as a young adult, that I had to hate on my Dad. Sort of like I had to take her side.

I went upstairs and out to the garage where my Dad was hastily gathering some belongings before he split, my Mom following right behind me. I knew perfectly that leaving meant leaving.

What followed was a scene straight from a Lifetime Original movie. Maybe even Jerry Springer. Or I don't know. But a sad scene it was. I pretty much let my Dad have it. Every word in the book. I called him horrible, horrible things. He stopped everything and froze, almost mummified, and took it. I can still see his face.

Obviously, I did have some (a lot of some) genuine hurt and anger. When else does a 10 yr. old shout the f-word and other vile things at their own parent? But even so, it hurt me saying it to him. Somehow I imagined I was proving my loyalty to my Mother with that performance.

Leave he did like he'd done before. But this time he didn't come back. The next years were tumultuous. He left us with absolutely nothing. When I was 16, he started making small efforts. Like bringing me his can of coins wherein I would find Bahamian coins from his trips with one of his women. For years, we jokingly referred to him as 'Uncle Alan'.

But I knew I still loved him. And I knew he still loved me. Somehow, I never doubted our bond.

I had all but forgotten about that incident until a few years ago. I stuffed it somewhere. My Mom brought it up because my Dad, before he died, brought it up. He told her how that moment stuck with him all through the years. Uggghhh. Sickening.

I feel so bad. I know I wasn't to blame. I was only 10. But still. I think about that moment in time. Only a few minutes. The future, my Dad's terrible and violent and bloody demise, my very life now, hinged upon that brief scene. What if, whether he deserved it or not (he didn't), my Mom had responded to him with forgiveness that day? What if I had been capable at 10 to talk them both out of their anger and haste? What if he decided to stay? What if my Mom let him?

I want to go back and do some more cussing... at all of us. At my Dad all over again for leaving us. At my Mom for not offering forgiveness yet again. At myself for not responding with compassion. We all could have chosen a different path that day. We all chose poorly.

These, I think, are the scenes heaven and its angels pause to watch in horror.

Little Is Big

I have a tendency to look at little kids and think they are little. That sounded stooopid. How do I put this? It's easy to disregard what young people are capable of understanding. It's easy to look at adolescents, teenagers as idiots. So many young people are capable and brilliant and already responsible for themselves as they approach God.

I'm not feeling at all articulate tonight. I need sleep. Stay with me. I'll try desperately to make sense.

I've been a ward missionary for 6 months or so now and have been amazed. It has been the coolest experience. One thing on this journey that has surprised me is how many youths are investigators. It never crossed my mind, really, that little kids would be taking the discussions. A lot of times, the family is inactive and the kid wants to be baptized. And sometimes they are from a home with no members and still want to be baptized, their parents allowing it.

This one little kid we are teaching now is 11. He basically is raising himself. He is home alone all day and buzzes to the chapel on his razor scooter for lessons. He wants to be baptized. I was sitting there looking at him thinking... What is this little kid doing? An 11 year old boy making time and effort to learn to pray, learn about all the principles of the gospel? He's so little!

This other little boy the Sisters are teaching comes from an inactive family and is leading his family. He is 9! 9 people! The Sisters gave him some picture Book of Mormon stories to read and he said to us... "No, I've just been reading the real Book of Mormon." He showed us where he had been reading. 9! Reading the Book of Mormon on his own terms, his initiative.

There are two 15 yr. old boys who are friends that are also awesome. They phase, moment to moment, in and out of being immature 15 yr. old boys to men. It's so confusing. One second, they can barely sit through a video because they have the laughs and are making fun of the Jesus actor because he looks like Tom Hanks and the next second one will say something so profound and spiritual. I look at them both and can catch glimpses of their great potential. I can see the men God could make out of them if they let Him. One finished the Book of Mormon and was starting it again. The Sisters asked him why he likes to read it. He said, "It makes me feel good."

Anyways.

Seeing these wonderful little people has been such a great reminder of what kids are capable of. It is natural when we get older to forget kids are capable. In fact, it's the age the Lord loves. Joseph Smith, David, etc.

So back to Lupe, the 11 yr. old. I was staring at him during his lesson, wracking my brain wondering why he was so into it. And I remembered...

I was 11 when I first read the Book of Mormon from start to finish. I was taught in Primary about Moroni's promise (10: 4-5) and I thought, Well that sounds like a good plan to me.

I was upstairs alone in my Mom's room the night I finished reading it for the first time. I closed the book and thought for a bit. Well, I guess I'll go pray about it like Moroni said...

I went in my room, knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if the book I just read was true. I had barely uttered the sentence when I was flooded with feelings I had never felt in that degree. Love. Joy. Peace. Rejoicing. Love. Love. Love. I started to weep. I knew Heavenly Father was real and had just answered my prayer. I was big into writing in a journal at that period of my life and wrote about my experience... My heart felt like it was replaced with the sun and sunshine. (Yes, I've always been dorky.) But sunshine it was. Literal, physical light and glory. I didn't really understand at the time that these were the feelings of the Spirit that I would become well acquainted with during my life.

Though I didn't understand much of the Book of Mormon when I read it at 11, I understood the Spirit of it. Each time I've read it since, the Spirit reveals more truths and speaks in the same way.

When someone is feeling that power, the missionaries point it out to them. Usually, it is something totally new to them and they don't recognize what that exactly is. This is something Brandon and I have been teaching Anika lately... how to recognize the good feelings of the Spirit and understand that's how Heavenly Father speaks to us.

If someone (anyone!) reads the Book of Mormon with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, God will manifest the truth of it through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Being with the Sisters and teaching these kids has been such a good reminder. Why is it that we grow up and forget we were once 11? I've been trying to look at all these young whippersnappers with eyes that can see their great capacity. Little bodies have big spirits. Or large capacity.

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Before blogs even existed, I knew I had to help my family through writing. Writing about anything, especially the gospel. I started a newsletter thing with my family a year before my Dad died. That newsletter helped us regain our relationship and also (he told me) helped him in his effort to return to the church.

My family has had a private blog for years now that we all post on. And only occasionally to I make good use of it to write something. The feeling has been grating on me for a long time to pick it back up and start writing daily about spiritual things. I will post a lot of them here also... like the one above.

In case you don't know me yet, let's talk about my nature. It comes so natural to me to be crude and gross and, I dunno... stoopid. I try to be funny a lot of the time and usually like to swear or be sick to be funny. And I do so totally think that is funny. I'm sorry. I know it's infantile. Saying booger and bad words makes me laugh.

I recently spent some time going back through the JNAC archives and was surprised to find I was offending myself. I honestly was offended by some of the things I said. And embarrassed for myself. That is a good sign, I guess. It's here in the archives, laid bare to the world. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly giving up tiny bits of carnal things. It's a process. Loud laughter comes easily to me.

Sad But True

Ben sits up to get sleepy in his crib and then slumps over, folded in half, sound asleep. Once he is out, I go in and roll him over so his legs don't lose circulation. Weird.

Family

Jenny asked me recently if Andrea really exists, as she has never seen a photo of her.. Jenny, here are a few to prove I indeed have a sister named Andrea. She is 5'6" and looks dwarfed by her giant boys. It's so strange that one's little babies can grow into big men. Freaky. Jake is a genius and Ian is a genius (literally...officially-tested, card-carrying member of MENSA!) and they are both delightful, wonderful young men. Those two boys are as close as brothers to me...don't seem like nephews. I grew up with those boys and feel like a proud Mama/sister bear.

Williams - Aquarium

Shark Tunnel

 Shark's mouth

 Clear colored jellyfish

 That is a orange jellyfish right above Herb's head.

Took the kids to an Aquarium on Saturday at the Coast. Had a great time. Their favorite part was being able to touch some of the sea life. We watched the sea otters and sea lions feedings and they put on a small show for us, walked through the shark tunnel, and then flew kites at the beach.

Williams - Domesticated

I canned pears all by myself on Friday. Something I have never done before and it was successful.

Yeah! Aren't they beautiful?

Don't Know Where She Gets It

Williams - Nothing much

It has been a long time since I posted but not much has been happening. Herb has been gone for almost the whole month of September, between work and hunting, I have felt like a single mom the last few weeks. Sage started 2nd grade and is loving it. The weather has been the warmest it has been all summer and the most depressing part is that we haven't taken the boat out once in the 90 degree weather because Herb hasn't been around. Herbie and Sage are playing soccer right now and it is fun to watch them. This is Herbie's first year and he is really into it. He even scored 6 goals last game. On Saturday, we took the kids to the Oregon Historical Society (had a free pass). It was rock n roll family day so they got to make rock n roll sunglasses and play the drums. The musuem was okay, not worth the price we would have had to pay but interesting. It is neat to expose the kids to some history and different cultures.  Herb's family is officially moved. They left us and are clear across the country as far from us as you can get, Florida. Here are some pics from our day. We also went to the farmer's market and the kids got free waterproof glitter tattos. They last a couple days. Aren't they cool?

From My Hometown's Paper

this.

Williams - Boating/Camping

Last weekend we went camping and boating with some good friends. A couple of our friends drove from Idaho and California a met up with us to spend three wonderful days in the dust, sun, heat, and water. We loved every minute of it. I got to try out my brand new tent that Herb bought me for my birthday. It is the nice blue tent in the picture with Herbie hugging Brooklyn. Nora absolutely loves the tube and the boat and kept saying "wanna go, wanna go". She couldn't get enough and would cry if she wasn't on the tube.

Williams - Expecting Unexpectedly

Yes, it is true. Baby #4 is in the oven. March 16th is the magic number.

Cabin

The kids think lawn camping is camping camping! Wahoo! Hehehe... fooled 'em. Throw in some s'mores and a hot dog for authenticity and BAM! Camping!

My nanny (Rosario) doesn't typically work weekends but for this an exception was made. She came up Sunday morning to hit the ol' white church with us and then watched Ben while we went on a hike.

Janna and Mike were at a fancy wedding at a vineyard in Sonoma, CA. for the weekend so we were +1. Janna and Mike's life is like Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Honestly, every weekend they are going somewhere spectacular. (Mike, Skywest) Not only was Tessa (from an old Bachelor) a bridesmaid in the wedding party but Janna also ran into Ben from the most recent Bachelorette. Janna looks here like she's on The Bachelor... Why do I love that show so much? Anyone else minimizing their morals by watching The Bachelor Pad now? It's THE greatest train wreck. I find it impossible to look away.


That's about it these days for me.

Heading to Newport and then Santa Barbara the end of this month. My Grandpa is having a 90th birthday celebration! Granted, he'll fade in and out of knowing who I am but I'm also looking forward to seeing the fam and extended fam.

I've taken the hint everyone is sick of hearing about goats and agrarian fortresses.

I'll try to acquire some new interests.

Like time travel.

Which reminds me... we saw Eric Barnum. We were setting up the tent on the lawn and we heard, "Hi." I didn't hear anyone drive up, either. And then to look up and see just about the most unexpected person in the world, well, I just love when that happens. I guess he was at the reservoir and saw someone was at the cabin and stopped to say hello.

But I do totally love when that happens. No sounds. No warning. It's like he just stepped quietly out from behind the veil or from another dimension or something. Once my brother-in-law Mike came in my downstairs sliding door and I didn't hear him. He came silently up the stairs only to trip on the last one. He caught his fall but it had this tear-out- of- the- fifth- dimension effect as he stumbled into my kitchen. Or a just- dumped- in- from- the- future effect.

One More Time

Click here please.

Makes me smile every time (It's just delightful!). I know I've posted it before.

I don't have my dream homestead with solar panels, well water, basement full of seeds and bullets and gold bullion and apparatuses for printing my own coin. For now, I'll just keep visualizing my milk goat surrounded in a golden glow, hopefully magnetizing it to myself.

BAAAAA...

I turned on the TV late last night to hear this. My stomach dropped identically to a real sudden fall of the physical body. I've been watching/waiting for this. Think I'm overreacting? We'll see...

Here we go, folks...

Buckle up!

Williams - Crazy Hair

We celebrated my friends Lisa, Julie, and Adrianna's birthdays with a Big Fat Greek Birthday Party. We were told to come with big hair so I went all out. You may also remember the pink necklace and pink vest from my goodbye party 10 years ago. Check out my big hair. My kids were cracking up.

Holy Moly!

My Aunt Kris saves a life! Read all about it.

Can't wait to hear more about it when we go visit my fam the end of this month.