Help!

On numerous occasions, I've verbalized to Brandon that I wouldn't mind any calling in the church except... being in charge of Homemaking night. Or at least it used to be called Homemaking. Then they changed it to Enrichment. And now, apparently, it's simply called Relief Society meeting. I think they keep changing the name so that when they ask you if you will do it, you say yes but only because you don't know what in the world a Relief Society meeting coordinator is. The title is so covert, even the Bishop didn't know what it was.

I came home last week from meeting with the Bishop totally surprised. Surprised because I've only been a ward missionary for 6 months. And surprised at my reaction. I have loved being a ward missionary. I felt like I got dumped by my boyfriend and needed to eat a quart of ice cream. At this point, I still didn't know what a Relief Society meeting coordinator was or I would have been upset for another reason.

When I found out that Relief Society meeting was really Enrichment which is really Homemaking, I about died. Leave it to the Universe to bring to me exactly the thing I have always said I never wanted to do.

Surely, Heavenly Father knows I can't even plan, organize, and execute a birthday party for my own child. She's 4 and I'm still stacking two boxes of ding dongs into a pyramid and calling it a cake. Surely He knows I'm extraordinarily uncomfortable taking initiative, taking charge, and delegating work. Oh, I cringe.

Speaking in church doesn't phase me. Knocking on doors with the missionaries is a delight. But even organizing a planning meeting to plan the RS thingy makes me squirm.

I met with my committee at my house Sunday and they were so lovely and nice and helpful. So I feel much relieved. Which is good. Because last night I literally had nightmares all night about this upcoming quilting thing. I even woke up to nurse twice and went back to bed to have more nightmares each time.

I am, though, making the Sister Missionaries promise not to dump me, whether I remain an official missionary or not. They always need members at discussions. Phew!

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I had to walk Ben during RS Sunday and I felt very overwhelmed with his heavy bod, my heavy bag, and my inordinate fear of planning, organizing, and calling ladies on the phone.

We looked at this painting for a while.

I look at this picture a lot in the hall with Ben and always fixate on the woman with the infant. I imagine she's thinking... This is amazing! It's Jesus! Now where am I gonna sit down and nurse this baby?

I imagine she feels exactly like I did this summer at Knotts Berry Farm as I looked and looked for a private corner, nook, or bench to nurse Ben.

Then I wonder if, culturally, it was acceptable way back then to get your breasts out whenever/ wherever and even leave them out all day and I get mad because I want to leave my breasts out all day. Because hello! Babies need them, like, all. the. time.

And then Ben and I were looking at this painting and he got very excited.


He kept looking at the painting, then back to me with a huge grin on his face.

And then I felt better.

I remembered the WHY of all we do.

I can do this, I thought. I can call ladies on the phone!