journal of summer

I just can't get into the jazz this year. Brandon is watching. Amazing how he can stay awake for it but any other night he falls asleep on the carpet at 8. I never made due on my promise to post more of the journal of summer. Its last entry is the day Ciara got married and the next is 3 years later. There is a big chunk of white pages left at the end. I thought you girls might enjoy the last entry: april 20, 2003.

So, page 142 is where the journal of summer, of love, of new circles comes to an end. Not at all an abrupt end but a slow and sneaky end... slowly sneaking away your youth and spontanaeity. Is that what life and trials has done? Wow! What a ride! What a whirlwind of ideas its been so far and I'm only beginning.

So, last weekend I went camping with Nicole, Megan, Brandon and our new friend Brian. It's been a while since I've had an adventure like that so I decided to pack this classic journal. I busted it out at the campfire and we threw around some freeze-dried memories, reading a selection or two. I suggested we all write but noted how even saying that felt wrong. We took notice of how the last entry is when Ciara got married. I guess Nicole has been right all along- marriage is death! Well, that's cruel but true- it's the death of (supposedly) childish traits but hey- it's also the death of fun- at least that's what we've thought from time to time.

All these years and so much slips magically in... even a little bit of maturity? heaven forbid. Nicole and I were discussing how we've changed. We still have fun but our minds are sharp and focused. What a trip. So I close this journal. Yes- there are empty pages still but empty pages appropriately so. Because as we all move on will we ever really feel like it was complete? Our single adulthood, our college years (my months). Will we always worry that there was more to see and do? I dedicate these last few lonely white pages to one more road trip we never took, the ballet shoe shelf never seen, the grad school gone, the loves never known and lost... and who knows what? We never will. But man this life is incredible. We have intense joy, intense love, intense experiences. It only gets better from here my friends.

The trick is to keep the spunk. Learn to take defeat and disappointment with the grace of a woman instead of the fit of a child. Run straight towards that which scares you the most. So, all the lessons learned in this past era- thank heavens I kept this journal- it makes you get reaquainted with yourself. Let the last and final lesson be: don't let growing up and trials sneak up slowly and snuff out your soul.

Our minds are more at rest- no longer gloriously frustrated but content. Is that what it means to find yourself? Well, we move forward trusting only in our Heavenly Father, testing our faith. Here we go on what promises to be intensely something- intensely full of joy? The new era of my life- time to get a new journal. Time to grow up. But not a moment too soon. Did I say earlier that we will always wonder if there was more to see or do? All that matters lies ahead! I haven't even begun. Man, it's a great feeling to be young, to have it all ahead of you, to wonder and wonder and wonder what lies ahead. Remember this Alana- remember the feeling of youth and a clean slate with nothing ahead but choices I will have to make. I've got my soul, my life, my love for everyone to make it.

Look at page 3 of this journal. I was 17- it was my first personal entry. Nothing fundamental has changed. I said. "The world lay as a sunlit valley at my feet and I plan only to be guided by heavens will... I am on my way." (man, I really believed I was going to see the world.) So, whatever plans I had of living in trees and so on- I always know what my ultimate goal was. So far, so good.

One more lesson: don't ever rip any pages out of your journal- no matter what the worry of anyone finding it. I miss you page #10. Something to do with running topless in the canyon. And something else about topless trees or something. Keep everything you write- you will want it someday. I'd give anything to see you page 10 and laugh right now.

Sometimes the light's all shining on me. Sometimes I can barely see. Lately it's occured to me... what a long, strange trip it's been. -Grateful Dead.


All right. I am so regretting the decision to type that sucker up. It was longer than it looked. But I needed the advice from myself. How is it, I wonder, that you can know something once and by writing it down encourage your future self with advice? It's the same kind of strangeness that is dreaming. I don't get how one part of your brain creates a picture-story and the other part watches, acting surprised all along. How is it that my former faith-filled, single and eager self of 22 could give current Alana of 28 a pep talk about the grace of a woman?