Dierks

I'm happy to announce: I'm back on the star-crush circuit! And I've got it bad. Long have I mourned for my previous and life-long star crush, Heath Ledger. I have moved on. And it is more than a rebound.

Can you say: Dierks Bentley?
Can you say curly locks and a scruffy beard that I'd like to scratch me all over?

I came to a point in my life that if I turned on my usual classic rock station and heard Bad to the bone or ZZ Top's Legs ONE MORE TIME I was going to explode. Were you also unaware that the country station is where they hide all the hotties? I knew I was enthused when I purchased a CD. I haven't been interested in spending money on a real live CD since Cake's Live from the Crystal Palace or Ben Harper's Diamonds on the Inside.

What's that? You only listen to Bad Religion and have sworn off country? Think again. Do you listen to the Grateful Dead? Neil Young? Well then, my friends, you listen to country. I hate to break it to you. Every man, woman, and child with ears will like Dierks Bentley's Greatest Hits CD. Ladies, do yourself a (sexual) favor and go buy it TODAY!

All right. I saw that Dierks was going to be on CMT's Cribs show. "Oh, good..." I thought, "this is my chance to kill the crush- he'll probably be gross like most celebrities." I was terrified he was going to have a home theater room and drive a hummer. Indoor bowling alleys are known for their libido-killing properties.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear: A teensy 1,800 sq. foot house that is pretty much my dream. It's totally empty, simple, and modern. I'm going to pretend he has no wife or infant and briefly mention that his bedroom is just a blank room with a platform bed in it. I could say more about this than I'm going to.

Take a look at the house here and make sure to click next through all the photos.

They only own an old jeep, a prius and his old truck, which is what he drives around town. It's a Chevy from the 90's. He had his hockey bag (yes, he plays city league hockey!) in it. I was pleased to see it was filthy inside. When a woman steps inside a man's truck she expects to be knee-deep in junk. Hockey equipment, cheeseburger wrappers, and a dehydrated container of night crawlers are all an indication to this girl of virility.

If you need any more convincing of said manhood, watch THIS.
What kind of audition lands you that girl's acting gig?
You can lay me down anytime, baby.

I've pre-ordered his album that is being released next week. If we were living on more than love and cold sandwiches I would pay the $35 to join his fan club as I would receive an autographed copy that I could keep underneath my pillow.

Who is Brandon's star crush you ask? Natalie Portman! I couldn't be more proud. Once I caught him watching her Wal-Mart baby movie all by himself. I'm not jealous. I'm truly, sincerely proud of his taste. I think Natalie Portman is hot and he couldn't have picked anyone better for his freebie. Id est, if you have the opportunity to cheat with said star, go for it because it doesn't count.



If any of my readers are interested in the unrated version of this post, drop me a line.