Wise Counsel

Paul gave me some wise counsel yesterday. I was laughing out loud and will forever remember:
"That's the only way to live- half assed!"

Thanks Paul.
You keep enjoying those paper plates, never pursue the photo uploading, annd I will eat my cupcakes and chimichangas.

It reminded me of something else Paul said once- "You're a woman. You don't even know what a rut looks like."

Well Paul, I'm afraid I do because I AM IN ONE. I've never been in such a rut with so little hope to get out. I used to try so hard at everything and now I just feel (though I know better) like there is no hope for me or change in my life. I have pretty much surrendered and laid myself on the proverbial train tracks.

Nicole, thanks for the blog about hope and faith. I feel like all the wind and life has been knocked out of me. I have struggled so hard to regain some semblance of faith. Riddle me this: I've heard the quote something to the effect of, "if you are living righteously nothing can go permanently wrong." I'm stumped. I think things can SO go permanently wrong. I have literally laid eyes on hell itself- THE Hell. Not only do I fear loss but I fear others' loss. Permanent loss.

The last few years have very nearly taken all the fight out of me. All the faith. All the prayer. They have very nearly beat me to black and blue permanence. I know I can get it back and I know I will but it seems, sometimes, insurmountable. I know fear is evil and I don't want to buy stock. I am struggling towards Mordor; I have to take fear to its forge.

I'm so grateful for my friends and like we always say, "just knowing that you guys are out there somewhere" really is great. You all provide insight, a crutch, and comic relief.

I'm going to go put Anika and my inner Debbie Downer down for nap and will try to get back to you with something of a lighter fare.