Would Give a Kidney

This is one of my favorite design blogs, if not the favorite. She just opened up a store of refurbished/re-purposed items. I am in love with everything in it and would give a kidney to go to it. It's like she got inside my brain and created everything I love. I want absolutely everything for my house. I love everything so much that I actually dreamed last night that I boarded a plane to NC. (where she lives and has her store.) I was flying out to go on splits with the sister missionaries (that came from the talks in sacrament yesterday) but made time to visit the store. I bought everything, nearly missed my flight home and had a deep conversation with Al Gore in a parking lot of a sports arena (don't know where that came from) . I can hardly look at the things in this store. It's so much my dream stuff that one of the pillows I spy- the green and white in the dresser drawer- is the exact fabric I bought last week to sew new pillows and then returned. I hope I dream about all these pretty things tonight. It makes me want to gut my house and start over.

Williams - Getting Crafty

One of my friends had a great idea for holding bows instead of stuffing them into a drawer where I could never find them. So I learned how to make the following for all the bows that I have made for Sage. Yes, I made all the bows you see displayed. I am pretty proud. Another friend taught me how to make them. It is amazing how easy it is and how expensive they are to buy. I can make them for so much cheaper. Sage is holding the bow holders below but they are hanging in her bathroom.

Williams - Herb's 32nd Birthday

We celebrated Herb's birthday yesterday (the 17th). Sage and I had a few surprises up our sleeves. The first one was decorating the house (Sage's idea) she put streamers, ballons, and a birthday banner all around the house. Second, I wrote on a sticky label "It's my birthday today!" and I slapped it on Herb's back inconspicuously before he left for work. Hehehe, I was laughing all day whenever I thought about it. Someone at work saw it and wished him Happy Birthday and he asked how they knew and then the party poopers pulled it off his back. They should have let him walk around all day with it. LOL!! The third surprise, my mom ruined. On Monday the day before his birthday she asked him how he liked his fly swatter. So he already knew what gift he was getting. It isn't just any ordinary fly swatter though. It is a bug zapper and it is battery operated. Hours of fun. It electrocutes the bug on contact. The last surprise was a divine Banana Cream Cheesecake that I purchased from Zoe Buckley (she is a lady in our ward that makes amazing desserts and sells them). It was delicious. Below is a picture of Herb and the kids at the party. Sage had planned games such as keep the balloon off the floor, pin the tail on the donkey, and dance in the dark with flashlights. Needless to say it was the best darn birthday Herb could ask for!!

PATHETIC!!!

Exactly 60 seconds after my last post I took the "Which Tilight Character are You Most Like" quiz.

I'm pathetic.

Edward Cullen

You are Edward Cullen. Charming and polite yet stubborn and overprotective, your desperately adorable crooked smile bears the weight of your inner pain and self-loathing. Your salvation lies in love -- though you won't admit it, you feel you can save your soul in the arms of your true love, Bella.

Dearest Alana, Yes yes Yes

Sure, I can snap some pics for you. I don't think I'm very good at it but I love to try!!!! When do you want to go out? Weekends are best. I feel so bad I've been so distant from everyone. I blame it on work (again). They're having us jump through flaming hoops and walk across spiked nail beds. I officially have decided to switch careers (for the millionth time) and do something new next year.

Anyhow, I could take some picks this weekend or next if you want.... but PS- I don't think I'm very great and don't totally know what I'm doing so...

At least we have New Moon in our future. Why oh WHY did I read those books again?!?!?!?! Now I'm all messed up in the head again. I can't stop thinking about Edward and wishing it was me. THAT is SO completely not healthy for a 30-year-old married middle school teacher. What the heck? I keep telling myself I'm going to quit Edward and then I lose total self control and do something like go out and buy the new moon soundtrack or try to win the VIP passes on 94.1 fm.

Is my life really that bad that I've become an escapist seeking refuge in teen fantasy/fiction?

No I say, no I say.

Still.

Edward. Edward. Edward.

Thank heavens I didn't have Twilight at my disposal during those first few years of marriage.

I need to see a shrink.

P.S. Q made me THEE best quesadilla just barely at 11 pm. Edward Spedward.

Cabin

Halloween

To the Mercy Killers (re-post)

Today's TravelinOma prompt:
~Have you ever been sick on a trip? Write a paragraph about it. Prompt: "I thought I was going to die. I was in______"

Well, I just had to cheat again and turn in old homework. When I read sick on a trip, I knew I already had written about just such an experience. So I will re-post:

To the Mercy Killers

It has been a poetry-post overload. I have been spending too much time reading my old book of poems, but I am enjoying it. Some poems, some phrases, some lines, are on microfilm stored inside my granite skull. Earthquakes rattle them up, and the words reverberate on my bones, but they are safe and constant inside my head. They are retrievable.

December, last year, I retrieved this:

If ever mercy move you murder me,
I pray you, kindly killers, let me live.
Never conspire with death to set me free,
but let me know such life as pain can give.
Even though I be a clot, and aching clench,
a stub, a stump, a butt, a scab, a knob,
a screaming pain, a putrefying stench,
still let me live, so long as life shall throb.
Even though I turn such traitor to myself
as beg to die, do not accomplice me.
Even though I seem not human, a mute shelf
of glucose, bottled blood, machinery
to swell the lung and pump the heart- even so,
do not put out my life. Let me still glow.
-Dudley Randall

It was mid-December. The Lake House was cold. Anika was sleeping in an unfamiliar crib at the foot of my unfamiliar, squeaky brass bed. Her crib, or maybe the floor, was slanted and she kept rolling into the side and waking up crying. I wondered if she, too, was starting to feel sick like I was.

During her short periods of sleep I would peek out the sheer curtains to the moonlit lake and crusty snow. I was keenly aware of the index card and pen I had placed on the nightstand. My thoughts were racing and I couldn't bring myself to jot anything down. Alex's memorial was in the morning and I was going to speak.

The cold was pouring through the single-paned window.
And I was getting sicker.

Brandon lay awake, motionless beside me. He had been helping with Anika and was aware of my impending doom. He knew, as I did, that I would soon be in the throes of food poisoning, yet he was typically unaware of the storm blowing up inside of my soul.

I soon got violently ill. I went down the hall and vomited in the toilet. "This is the first time", I thought, "I have ever tried to vomit quietly." I was in the top of an old A-frame home and was worried about my family scattered throughout. It didn't end with vomiting. This was the kind of sick you remember forever. The kind, like childbirth, you remember but can never recall the severity of.

I collapsed on the linoleum and curled up next to a heater vent that was underneath the cabinets. My chilled and shivering body lay there awaiting the next wave of vomiting. I remembered how Alex used to call this the "fetus position" instead of the "fetal position".

"It's between the In N Out Burger or that italian sausage.", I thought. Something hadn't agreed with me. I was suspicious it was grief.

My thoughts took me to the last time I was this sick .... It was December, four years ago. It was another A-frame Lake Arrowhead house, cold enough that I saw my breath in it once... Alex's house. It was the Christmas of the epic storm and we were trapped on the mountain. One of my tacos from our favorite eatery tasted funky but I ate it anyway. This was also to be the remember-forever type of sick. I was on my way back from the bathroom, almost to my bed, and I blacked out. I was alert for the first half of the collapse, trying to steer my heavy body away from the nightstand I saw coming towards my head. Blackness. My head hit the hardwood floor instead.

Alex must have heard the thump because when I woke up he was there. He frantically asked me what happened and if I was okay. (Have you ever stubbed your toe, been solicited for feelings, and snapped at someone?) I must have snapped something at him in my agony because he turned and left the room. I clearly had hurt his sensitive feelings.

So many small regrets.
So many big regrets.
Total loss.

"It could..." I thought... "It could be the grief."

There on the linoleum in the fetus position, I prayed. The only thing that came out was "Make it stop. Dear God, make it stop."

I don't remember getting sleepy. I had fallen asleep there on the bare floor. It was still dark out and I didn't know how long I had been there. I nervously remembered what had happened and quickly took inventory. "Do I need to throw up?" - "Can I roll over?" It had miraculously passed. Never in my life has food poisoning lasted less than 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. I felt okay. I felt comforted.

I nibbled on cookies all day and eagerly spoke at Alex's memorial.
It was a miracle.

Mortality.
Our corruption.
My grief.
My sick body.
This mouldering pain inside my flesh.
A clot. And aching clench.
A stub.
A stump.
A butt.
A scab.
A knob.
A screaming pain.
A putrefying stench.
Even though I seem not human....
still let me live, so long as life shall throb.
Dear God, do not put out my life.
Let me still glow.

___________________________________________________________


The Lake House.... mere hours before sickness ensued.

Class Clown/ The Fainter

Today's TravelinOma.


~Write about a time you made a presentation of some kind. Were you nervous? Excited? Prompt: "After I was introduced, I stood up and said_____"
___________________________


I was slightly nervous. I was only ten and this would be my first public speaking experience. It was Mrs. Kolmel's fifth grade class and I was to give an oral book report.

After I was introduced, I stood up and... fainted. It wasn't a nice, respectable, solid timber. Rather a stumble, wobble, stumble backwards and awkwardly slump straight down like a slinky in recoil. My back scraped the chalk ledge on the way down, leaving a scab the length of my spine. It went black for awhile and when I came to people were trying to assist me. (Please, please, please to all that is holy, please tell me Andy Wilson didn't see that!) I shrugged them off saying, "I'm fine, I'm fine." I made it all the way to my feet before it went black again. The next thing I remember was the school nurse picking me up and helping me walk down the hall.

I love a good public speaking assignment. Really. Even then, I don't remember being particularly nervous. I remember it was cold outside and I had felt weak all day. The perfect storm.

Whatever the cause, I had been having many health issues around then, fainting in particular. My doctor finally ordered an EEG. And eventually a sleep-deprived EEG. I got to stay up all night once, playing Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt and then got more electrodes glued to my scalp.

Diagnosis? None. I'm perfectly healthy. Just a little different. I remember talking to the doctor as she asked me questions during my EEG. She was impressed that my favorite subject was math. I actually told her I could hear a creaking noise inside my head as I solved a math problem. I just laughed hysterically remembering that! Because it's true. I can still hear that creaking in my head. But what a strange, screwy little girl.

I was in GATE. (Gifted and Talented Education.) Mr. Westcott laughed me to scorn when I showed up for GATE art class with a mechanical pencil. And I laughed myself to scorn when my little houses in my Starry Night kept getting bigger and bigger because I wanted to paint the lines perfectly straight.

This same age- ten- Johns Hopkins University enrolled me in a study because my standard test scores were abnormally high. They had me take the SAT with the eigth graders. All of this just seemed like more work. I was more concerned with playing pranks and goofing off. I once colored my lips blue with a marker, rounded up my trusty audience of classmates and went up to the teacher acting like I was choking. So not funny.

Smart.
Class Clown.
A little screwy.

I picture my little, pale, ten-year-old self blacked out on that berber carpet. Or with electrodes on my scalp. Or playing Mario Brothers the entirety of Christmas Vacation, showering ten days into the marathon after realizing I had developed my first B.O. You see, I had a picky attention-span. Not a non-existent one. And I laugh! What a strange little girl.

Now you see, I try very hard not to project anything onto my daughter. I'm open to anything and consciously try to not imagine things about her. I want her to show me who she is. But when I see her eating three corners and one side of each tortilla chip, retiring the rest of the chip to the straight line of identical chips, I just can't help but think...

Smart.
Goofy.
A little screwy.

Uncommon. (thank heavens!)
But pale. (See here.)

Williams - Mystery Dinner

We went to a Murder Mystery Dinner for Halloween and Herb was a Grim Reaper and I was a Cyclops. We served dinner and solved the murder. It was great fun and all the couples really got into their parts and made it a fun evening.

Here are a couple pics of some other monsters who were in attendance.

Williams - Halloween 2009

I am already posting Halloween pics. Herbie and Sage looked adorable in their costumes. We dressed as the Little Mermaid family. Sage - Aerial, Herbie - Sebastian, Herb - King Triton (doesn't he look hot in the gold sparkly turtle neck:), and me as Ursula (don't I fit her personality to the T:)

Thanks to my friend Melanie who let us borrow Sebastian and Ursula (I didn't have to sew or buy) and thanks to Herb's mom for the King Triton costume.

We even won the award for best dressed family at our ward Halloween party.

Williams - Pumpkin Patch

Click on the pictures to see them up close and personal. We took the kids to the pumpkin patch despite the pouring rain. We rode a boat to the pumpkin patch and a train back from the patch. Herbie was in heaven on the train and playing in the mud puddles. He even slipped in a puddle and fell on his butt, stood up and just brushed it off. It was great fun!

Practice Makes Perfect

Check out today's Travelin'Oma prompts.
_______________________________


Don't do anything for your kids that they could do themselves.

This brought an instant smile to my face. And lots of memories. I would not doubt if the mother who first said this was my own.

The first memorable incident was when my Mom decided I was old enough to order for myself at restaurants. We were at a McDonalds and I was horrified. I remember staring at the girl behind the counter (Staring up. I must have been 4 or 5.) and then back at my Mom who was saying, "Well honey, if you'd like to eat something, you'd better order." I didn't order. I just couldn't. So I didn't eat. This happened at a few more family outings before I realized my Mom meant business. No one meant more business than my Mom. She was calm and kind but nothing was more final than her words. If she said I had to order my own food if I wanted any, she sure as hell meant it. She never gave in to anything and I'm so grateful for it.

After a few eating-out meals spent hungry, I started ordering my own food. It made me so proud. Isn't that the idea? Instilling self reliance and CONFIDENCE in our children?

The next really memorable item was nail clipping. I can remember the exact moment. And the words spoken... "It's time you learn to do this yourself, Alana. I know it's hard to use your left hand. But practice makes perfect. You'll see." I was mad. I was seven. If my Mom loved me she would help me clip and paint my right hand. If I had a nickel for every time in my life my Mom said to me Practice Makes Perfect. I am forever capitalizing that phrase.

As I grew into an adult I realized just how much confidence my Mother gave me. I grew into someone who feels self-assured in all situations. I can hold my own ground in any battle. I feel like I could do anything in the world if I wanted. All thanks to my Mom.

As I grew into a Mother I realized just what a pain in the ass all this teaching can be. It really is easier to do everything for them. (Would it not have been easier to just yell happymeal for me? Certainly easier than watching me squirm, then starve?) But doing everything for them is selfish. It's so funny to watch a toddler try to put on their clothes or take them off. The moment they don't know how to pull down their own pants is the moment you realize holy guacamole! somebody taught me how to pull down my own pants! AND climb up on the potty and go all by myself! All thanks to my Mom. (I can't tell her how many times that potty thing has come in handy.)

I love nothing more than watching my little girl gain confidence in herself. Seeing her accomplish things all on her own helps me gain confidence in myself -my parenting, and we both beam with pride.

You can imagine my delight when my now- 69- year-old mother came to me a few weeks ago and asked me to paint her toenails. I gave her the whole speech, memorized from a lifetime of listening to it... "Mom, I know you can't see your toes very well without your glasses but if you start relying on others to do these things for you now, you're going to slip into old age... Practice Makes Perfect."

Willams - Random Fun

Sage and I on a school field trip to the Pumpkin Patch.

Herbie in all his cowboy glory.


Sage and Herbie - The Blanket Zombies. They love to put these blankets over their heads and ram into each other and wrestle. It is quite hilarious.

I don't want to get old.

I can't breathe. For the last hour I have had this overwhelming completely consuming feeling that I'm running out of time. That I'm getting old. I swear I look different in the mirror this month. There are things: spots, wrinkles, chub. But more importantly, there are other things: things I haven't done yet. Haven't lived yet.

I want it to stop. I want to be young forever. I don't want to get old.

panic panic panic

Don't give me that crap about 30 not being old.

It has got to be just about the end of the world... and it's still 6 months away!

I'm so depressed.

Beach House

^ Ian. We called him the "BG" all week... Bronze God.

^The train I grew up with. I finally got to share it with Anika. It's usually the Amtrak, not this metrolink pictured here, but exciting all the same.

^It just so happened that our rental's backyard backed almost right up to my Grandma's yard on the other side of the block!

I can't remember a more enjoyably 8 days. Especially the company of my family. We haven't all been together under other-than-tragic terms in quite a while. I've never been so relaxed. I completely forgot about the whole world and my brain felt thoroughly cleansed.

.

Wifery

Today's TravelinOma prompt.

I attended four high schools in three years. It didn't take me long to realize I could turn in the same papers at different schools. This was especially great when it came time to do those 10 page research papers. It seems I always find a way to do less work. It almost feels like less work finds me.

Today's TravelinOma made me realize I have already blogged about these things before:
The Chalice and the Blade
and Housebroken.

Maybe I'll even add to my old blogs with some fresh insight: polygamy.
Not the world's greatest idea but also not the worst. For instance: I don't tend to cook. I do it but sometimes have to force myself. Cooking doesn't find me. So perhaps wife #2 could be a chef? (Preferably ugly with a unibrow and undescended testicles.) And what about polyandry? When I first heard someone else had also invented this, (during a college literature class) I was elated. More husbands would be great and I won't tell you why.

My job is trying to kill me

I'm sick. Totally, utterly, devastatingly sick. I have been this way for days and days now. I refuse to get a sub, thinking it will abate- but it doesn't. It doesn't even get better. I haven't been sick for three years so I guess I'm making up for lost time.

Cruddy thing is- tomorrow I start teaching dance for the first time in two years and it's the last week before grades cut off for first quarter. What a completely crappy week(s) to be so entirely sick!

I attribute this illness to my job. I am convinced my job made me sick... no, not because public schools are a cesspool of germs, but because my job emotionally weakens my immune system. It's had it's fun using anxiety to mess with my psyche and now it's going for my physical well-being.

I'm convinced:

MY JOB IS OUT TO KILL ME!

Williams - Bragging Rights

I know you probably don't care about the day in the life of a toddler's potty training but I am so proud of Herbie that I wanted to share.

It has been almost a month since we started potty training Herbie. He was potty trained in a day. He goes to the bathroom all by himself, #1 and #2. He is hilarious because when he needs to go poop, he will sit on the toilet forever. Just like a guy. I ask him if he wants a magazine or book or something. Then I tell him to call for me when he is done because I don’t want to stand there and wait. He doesn’t like to wear diapers to bed at night but he isn’t quite ready for that step. He does get up in the middle of the night sometimes and wants to go pee in the toilet and not in his diaper. We went straight to underwear during the day and even let him wear underwear for nap time. If I would have known that he would be this easy, I would have started long ago. We attribute it to cloth diapers because the company told us that the cloth diapers help them to potty train a year earlier. We are believers. Herb and I joke that he is a 30 year old living in a 2 year old body. He is potty trained but can hardly speak. A couple days after he started wearing underwear, I found him wearing some on his head. He told me it was a hat. At least they were a clean pair.

To Reiterate...

Williams - Hot Pregnant Mama

Herbie and Sage, jumping on the trampoline.

I have had a few requests to see the belly so I posed for all you and took some shots. Enjoy!! I am 7 months pregnant and you can see my belly button sticking out.

Williams - Jog-a-thon

Sage's school did a jog-a-thon today to earn money for school activities. She had to get pledges from people and then run laps for the money. My mom said she would pay her $3.00 a lap, little did she know that Miss Sage was such a fantastic runner because she ran 18 laps. Herbie wanted to run with her so he was out there too.

Travis' Book

Remember Travis? I had lost touch with so many of the Salt Lake boys but thanks to facebook, we have reconnected. This is why I am constantly advocating facebook. Nicole just joined and she will not regret it. I'm still waiting for Jon (yes, Jon!) to show up but so far only his wife is on there. Anyways, I just ordered my copy from amazon. You should order yours, too! Click here.

El Guapo

Anika is sick. It's so strange how she likes to just sit around when she's sick. She just wants to watch her same shows over and over and it's the one time I don't feel guilty about it because she needs her rest. The good news is that her favorite movie is also my favorite movie... yes, I let my two year old watch The Three Amigos. I used to try and fast forward some things but she would just scream "El Guapo, I want El Guapo!" Strange little cookie. It sure is shaping up to be a fun weekend.

Everyone has their own El Guapo.

Williams - Nothin'

I haven't posted for a while because I really have nothing to say. I have a break from school this week and have been enjoying going to bed early, reading, and just not having a stressful life for once. Monday it starts again. Herb is going hunting this weekend. Looking forward to General Conference. It is starting to get cold here so your weather forecast makes me jealous. I am continuing to grow and every day is a struggle to get dressed because what could possibly be comfortable. Hung out with Jenny last weekend. She came with our friends and us to a party. We rock climbed, zip lined, and jousted (when I say we I mean everyone but me). I joked with everyone that Jenny was Herb's stand in date since I couldn't participate in the festivities:) We had a campfire afterward and ate smores and hotdogs. It was fun to see Jen. Love you all!

Collective Sigh of Relief

impossible

...cutting Anika's hair! Totally, utterly impossible. No amount of talking her into it or showing how "Emmet does it!" can help. Finally, her bangs were obstructing her vision and she looked like Cousin It. Something had to be done. I try and put on good youtube videos of the ants marching and then try to sneak some clips. She immediately started screaming and swatting the scissors. It's dangerous and I could probably do just as good a job if I was blindfolded. Well, once again they are totally botched! She looks like a boy. A boy with a bad haircut. It's so sad. I know I could do a really cute cut if she would just sit still!!!!! Each attempt gets worse because her fears of the haircut get worse! So, if you see my kid and think what the hell happened to that poor thing... cut me a break.