Nightmarish

On Saturday we told Anika we could go to Pirate Island Pizza. Then we thought we would like to take her to The Princess and the Frog movie. She already had her little heart set on pirate's pizza. Brandon would not quit trying to talk her in to the movie. He does this often. "C'mon, Anika, it will be fun. You'll see," he says. I call him Obama when he does this. I said, "She said NO! She's not stupid. She knows what the movie is. And she knows what pirate's pizza entails. She said NO and she means NO!" I wanted to see the movie instead, too. But we had made the mistake of mentioning the pizza place before it happened.

My skin is crawling. I am sick. Helpless. I have nightmares.

Pelosi. Obama. They think they know better than you, than me. I know what this bill entails and I do. not. want. it. They don't have the votes from their own party but they are going to make it happen anyways. You heard it yourself when Pelosi said they would go over the wall and parachute in and all that bull. And just today, talking about this 'slaughter rule'. She said she likes it because the house doesn't have to vote. Excuse me? I realize that this kind of stuff has been happening for years, from both sides. They all suck! And using these lousy, cheating ways on something this huge?

When Anika asks to sing songs at night I say, "how many? Should we sing two songs" knowing full well she wants more. To my prediction she always says, "No. Three songs." Weasel-y of me, no? Does this sound familiar? I wanted to kill someone during that health care summit two weeks ago when Obama said he wasn't getting what he initially wanted and compromised so the Republicans should compromise too. You little weasel. No public option? Yeah, how long will that last? They know exactly what they want and how they are going to get it. Soon a public option along with private and how long would that last? How long could private insurers compete with the government?

I'm especially sick of this: Well, you uneducated, middle-class, red-state people are the ones that will benefit from this. Are you too stupid to know what is good for you?

To reiterate: I know what this bill is. I know (and fear) where it will lead. I don't want it. I already had my heart set on retaining my liberties. I want to go to Pirate Island Pizza, dammit.

Can you fathom your tax dollars funding abortions?

And what of the student loan provisions in the "health care" (power) bill? Is anyone else uncomfortable with this? With the government, in essence, funding all student loans? Talk about power. Who gets money? How much? What school gets what? How much? Depending on what they teach? How diverse they are?

I had a horrible nightmare the other night. Remember the invisible vacuum cleaner dream I shared a long time ago? Well this is much more disturbing and not an ounce of funny. I was at the mall (ok, kind of funny), which was converted to some sort of government building, being forced to take part in a ceremony. I was being married to a dirty old man. Each man got five wives, some of them small children. Immediately after the ceremony, each of the women/girls was forced to have a tubal ligation. (Think Brigham Young meets Aldous Huxley).

Speaking of Huxley, I never thought my Utopia in Literature class at Dixie college would inspire so much thought in me down the road. Ah, socialist utopias. Aren't they great?

My family is made up of different political views. I've been told I'm subscribing to fear-mongering. Some think I'm panicking. And it honestly kind of feels like it. This bill is nothing but a big fat foot in the door... to more!

Obama says the Bill of Rights lists only negative liberties. Exactly! It's all about what the government should not do to you. Or for you!

I've lost a lot of sleep thinking about what is right and wrong. What about the law of consecration ? Tithing? Is Harry Reid right? Should I be rooting for social justice because I am a Mormon? I read this page of statistics Octoberish last year and just about threw up. I had a life crisis wherein I truly realized just how gross consumerism is, just how much of a bubble I live in, and even flirted with the idea that America really is The Great Satan. I cannot begin to tell you how much sleep I have lost, people. I have been so absent from blog land because I didn't want to vent. I feel like if I start getting this all off my chest I can go back to the way we were. You know, talking about the wet US water polo team and microwaved nachos. I miss that.

But back to Harry Reid and Satan. I have done much thinking and pondering and have gained a testimony, if you will, of the Constitution of the United States of America. You either believe in it or you don't. You either believe it was divinely inspired or you don't. You're either comfortable with deviating away from it or you are not. Kind of like the gospel. There is no gray area. You're either for it or you are not. You're either totally comfortable with socialists in the White House or you are not. You're either comfortable with our president surrounding himself with admitted communists or you are not. I had a moment when the decision became final for me. It was when I made the connection that Satan wanted to force us to be good.

Being good is good, you say. Well, yeah. I feel sorry for the poor children and suffering people of the world. It makes me sick. It's tempting to lower our standard of living to help everyone else. It seems like the right thing. But I want the 1/3 of humanity without electricity to also have electricity. I want them to have what I have. That's why we need to share with them what we can (things-wise) and then help them, somehow, establish the same kind of freedom and liberty we have here. Or at least the same kind of freedom our founders intended. You put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then give the oxygen to your child if you really want to help.

I was raised Mormon. But there came I time when I had to gain my own testimony. Was I brainwashed or did I really ponder and receive personal revelation that the gospel is true? It's a long story for another day but I have had a strong testimony since I was very young. I was raised by a father that was a registered Libertarian and a member of the NRA. Was I brainwashed? Again, you either believe in the beautiful thing called the constitution or you do not. Both big parties suck and are one in the same. My Dad had it right all along. I believe our founding fathers were divinely inspired. Do you? I believe the radical freedoms available here created the only place on the planet, including the dimension of time, where the Church could have been restored and grown. I believe America was a flash of genius.

If this thing goes through. Which I think it will. I am going to cry. But you aren't insured, Alana. It will help you. Thanks, but no thanks. It would be great if insurance was affordable. Health care does need to be fixed and immediately. But with means from the exact other end of the spectrum. I'm in a real pickle as a baby-hungry, uninsured, middle-class American. But it's a pickle I've gotten myself into. And I'm trying to get myself out of it. I'm working on ways to de-pickle myself. And I rather enjoy fixing things myself.

But back to crying. The moment my government tells me I must purchase health insurance is the moment I join the local survivalist militia. But it's the law to have car insurance, you say? It's not the law to own a car! I can't help that I live in this body! Be forced to purchase something just for being alive? Hell no! But we'll send you subsidy checks to purchase it, you say? Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather have my liberty. That check would get a big red return-to-sender and maybe an up-yours written on it and sent back. I hope they arrest me. Because I would win in court!

In essence, I've done a lot of pondering these last months. I've done a lot of thinking about what and how much things mean to me. I've done a lot of thinking about what is best for Anika. And what I would be willing to do to preserve that.

Maybe I can move on now. Forgive this rant-like stream of consciousness. Consider it a rough draft. Maybe later I can tell you more about my thoughts. Maybe even about what formed in my mind when The Da Vinci code was big and how it relates to my Grandfather's war medals, the Antichrist and cap and trade.

For now, it's off for yet ANOTHER restless night full of nightmares. You would honestly freak if you saw how long I lay awake staring. I might doze off around 2:30 and then I'll at least have Nancy and Che Guevara to keep me company. Cleon Skousen and reconciliation and tubal ligations, oh my!

oh p.s. I went totally Vegan! (except on the weekends) And I'm even sprouting my own wheat to eat raw! Stay tuned for my thoughts on blood, chlorophyll, the resurrection and the nature of light. Don't y'all think I should start back on the Unisom?