My child and I are totally insane.

I hate cheese on sandwiches.
Unless it is strictly a cheese sandwich.
For instance: mayo, pickles and cheese.
Realizing this has changed my life.

LITTLE SISTER IS THE NEW BIG BROTHER

Andrea is a ski instructor at Snow Valley. She told me what time the instructor line-up was so I went to the base web cam. It is by far the coolest web cam as you can get control of it and zoom in and out, move left and right, up and down. She was easy to pick out, even though ALL the instructors were wearing their yellow instructor coats. I zoomed right up to her face. It was really freaky. I felt like I was right there with her. Don't you just love modern technology? I will be spying on her every morning at 9:45 Utah time, and watching her snuggle up to her new boyfriend- a fellow instructor. She says her 40's are awesome and I should look forward to my own mid-life crisis.

For Quinn

Here you go Quinn. Is this the one responsible for your man crush?
I know what you mean about the goosebumps.

Dierks

I'm happy to announce: I'm back on the star-crush circuit! And I've got it bad. Long have I mourned for my previous and life-long star crush, Heath Ledger. I have moved on. And it is more than a rebound.

Can you say: Dierks Bentley?
Can you say curly locks and a scruffy beard that I'd like to scratch me all over?

I came to a point in my life that if I turned on my usual classic rock station and heard Bad to the bone or ZZ Top's Legs ONE MORE TIME I was going to explode. Were you also unaware that the country station is where they hide all the hotties? I knew I was enthused when I purchased a CD. I haven't been interested in spending money on a real live CD since Cake's Live from the Crystal Palace or Ben Harper's Diamonds on the Inside.

What's that? You only listen to Bad Religion and have sworn off country? Think again. Do you listen to the Grateful Dead? Neil Young? Well then, my friends, you listen to country. I hate to break it to you. Every man, woman, and child with ears will like Dierks Bentley's Greatest Hits CD. Ladies, do yourself a (sexual) favor and go buy it TODAY!

All right. I saw that Dierks was going to be on CMT's Cribs show. "Oh, good..." I thought, "this is my chance to kill the crush- he'll probably be gross like most celebrities." I was terrified he was going to have a home theater room and drive a hummer. Indoor bowling alleys are known for their libido-killing properties.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear: A teensy 1,800 sq. foot house that is pretty much my dream. It's totally empty, simple, and modern. I'm going to pretend he has no wife or infant and briefly mention that his bedroom is just a blank room with a platform bed in it. I could say more about this than I'm going to.

Take a look at the house here and make sure to click next through all the photos.

They only own an old jeep, a prius and his old truck, which is what he drives around town. It's a Chevy from the 90's. He had his hockey bag (yes, he plays city league hockey!) in it. I was pleased to see it was filthy inside. When a woman steps inside a man's truck she expects to be knee-deep in junk. Hockey equipment, cheeseburger wrappers, and a dehydrated container of night crawlers are all an indication to this girl of virility.

If you need any more convincing of said manhood, watch THIS.
What kind of audition lands you that girl's acting gig?
You can lay me down anytime, baby.

I've pre-ordered his album that is being released next week. If we were living on more than love and cold sandwiches I would pay the $35 to join his fan club as I would receive an autographed copy that I could keep underneath my pillow.

Who is Brandon's star crush you ask? Natalie Portman! I couldn't be more proud. Once I caught him watching her Wal-Mart baby movie all by himself. I'm not jealous. I'm truly, sincerely proud of his taste. I think Natalie Portman is hot and he couldn't have picked anyone better for his freebie. Id est, if you have the opportunity to cheat with said star, go for it because it doesn't count.



If any of my readers are interested in the unrated version of this post, drop me a line.

After those last two posts, am I reminding you of anybody in particular?
http://media.putfile.com/SNL-Debbie-Downer-WDW

I.

Fear.

Cruise ships.

I’m sorry, this is as light as it’s going to get today. As one who has never been on a cruise, I’m willing to be sold on the idea. What is the allure there? Why is it such big business? What, exactly, is a cruise like and why is it worth going on one? I’m stumped.

My first instinct is that a cruise would be my worst nightmare. Small and crowded, it’s a virtual petri dish of communicable diseases afloat at sea. At sea! Do you know what happens at sea? Hurricanes, walls of water that swallow ships whole, sinking. Sinking!!! I said sinking!!! If I managed to return home it could be with hoof and mouth, meningitis, staphylococcus, and most certainly an exacerbated case of claustrophobia. And what is with this developing trend of throwing others overboard? I am not comfortable with crime, isolated, lawless... trapped and imprisoned with slobivius americanus. I try not to think about where and how the human waste and buffet food are stored.

While on our honeymoon on St. Thomas we timed our visits into town so we would miss the docking of cruise ships. One day, though, our arrivals in town aligned. The crowds swarmed, scooping up souvenirs in a near frenzy. It was sickening.

We spent 14 days in the Caribbean and it cost less than a cruise would have. We had our own private house on a hill with a gate, did our own grocery shopping, laundry, vacuuming. It was total privacy. We had our own private pool in the jungle trees on a wrap-around deck that overlooked the ocean! We went outside during nighttime jungle thunderstorms! The sun rising over the ocean and shining onto our bed and into my eyes is what woke me up every morning. The feeling of that big sun rising behind my lids and warming my face is the place I mentally escaped to while my wisdom teeth were being extracted. The breeze blew through that house day and night. Paradise!

We asked the locals where the secluded beaches were and treated our compact rental car like a jacked-up jeep getting to them. We saw the locals, the street drugs, the island. We got to drive on the wrong side of the road. We snorkeled day after day. We ate bananas and coconuts from our own fruit trees that were on the property. I sunbathed topless!

So I ask- How does it compare? Why do people burn their money on cruises? Jenny loves cruises and has been on billions. Enlighten me. I feel like I am missing something big.

The view from our deck:

No joke, we had this beach on St. John all to ourselves, completely alone. Just us and one stray dog:

Wise Counsel

Paul gave me some wise counsel yesterday. I was laughing out loud and will forever remember:
"That's the only way to live- half assed!"

Thanks Paul.
You keep enjoying those paper plates, never pursue the photo uploading, annd I will eat my cupcakes and chimichangas.

It reminded me of something else Paul said once- "You're a woman. You don't even know what a rut looks like."

Well Paul, I'm afraid I do because I AM IN ONE. I've never been in such a rut with so little hope to get out. I used to try so hard at everything and now I just feel (though I know better) like there is no hope for me or change in my life. I have pretty much surrendered and laid myself on the proverbial train tracks.

Nicole, thanks for the blog about hope and faith. I feel like all the wind and life has been knocked out of me. I have struggled so hard to regain some semblance of faith. Riddle me this: I've heard the quote something to the effect of, "if you are living righteously nothing can go permanently wrong." I'm stumped. I think things can SO go permanently wrong. I have literally laid eyes on hell itself- THE Hell. Not only do I fear loss but I fear others' loss. Permanent loss.

The last few years have very nearly taken all the fight out of me. All the faith. All the prayer. They have very nearly beat me to black and blue permanence. I know I can get it back and I know I will but it seems, sometimes, insurmountable. I know fear is evil and I don't want to buy stock. I am struggling towards Mordor; I have to take fear to its forge.

I'm so grateful for my friends and like we always say, "just knowing that you guys are out there somewhere" really is great. You all provide insight, a crutch, and comic relief.

I'm going to go put Anika and my inner Debbie Downer down for nap and will try to get back to you with something of a lighter fare.

CARA...

is moving! She is out of here Friday morning and moving to her old condo in Newport. I am in a panic. It has been a fun four years with her here and we really lived it up. No more lunching, shopping, Imogene Run, 1200 calorie crash diets, FREE Scaldoni's dinner dates with B, 'Bachelor' parties, etc. We have so much fun together. I'm going to try and visit pretty soon and leave Anika at home. And this summer I for sure will take Anika down to the beach. Anyway, it has been a blast while it lasted. I hope she can make enough money to move back ASAP.

spirit world

I do not fear death... at all.

I have an amazing book if you're interested. It is a compilation of everything the general authorities have said about death and is compiled by subject, i.e.: What happened to my loved one when he/she died? What if he/she died in sin? What are they doing now? (etc.)

It has been extremely comforting. My favorite incite is that the spirit world is here on this earth. It is physical and exists structurally. Our eyes are not prepared or capable of seeing it without being changed by God, otherwise we would see thousands of people all around us busily preparing for the same work we must do in life. Holy cities like the old Jerusalem were built spiritually before they were ever constructed as we know them. What's more, though Jerusalem as we knew it in Jesus' time was destroyed, the spiritual city still exists. People are organized and busy. They are allowed to see us when they have time. They still have hope because there is still progression after death. I have confirmation that Mark has not left. He is here, working still, among us.

Ironically I don't fear the loss of other loved ones nearly as much as I did before this happened because my understanding of the eternal plan has been so fortified. Our lives are a small piece of a large picture but are so vital. Our obedience now determines how much power Satan will have on us in the life here-after. While I don't ever want to walk this path without those I love, I now know without doubt, that even if they die, they will still walk with me. I have absolute knowledge that this is not possible but probable. I don't want to give up one minute of life because it is so short and important. It is too short to have fear. Fear can be abated in the knowledge of an ultimate and perfect plan, the comfort of the atonement, and the development of a spiritual sensibility. It can be tolerated with understanding. It can be alleviated by love.

I.

FEAR.

LOSS.

Menopausal?

You think it's too early? Then why can't I sleep at night?! It's horrible and I can hardly get by without at least half of a Unisom. I couldn't decide lastnight if I was hot or cold... going from the sweats to chills in minutes, my mind racing. Residual illness? My steak dinner? My toddler who sleeps and wakes like a newborn because I let her get away with it? All possible culprits.

Before Anika I would just get in bed, shut my eyes and it was morning. It was hardly more than a very long blink and required no effort. Oh wait, I used to do stuff, that's right. I used to run, work, and teach ballet for hours. Hmmmmm. Perhaps I should... do stuff?

Brandon and I went on a date last night. Anika went to Grandmas and we went to Scaldoni's. Maybe the eye contact and conversation with this husband/Daddy character that also lives here in this house was too much for my brain waves? It was like meeting a stranger for a blind date. And a great reminder: Hey, I like this guy!

But mostly my brain just gets thinking and I can't draw the curtain. On stage last night: spray tans, mine and Dierks' Montana ranch, indigestion and fractal antennas. How irritating, huh? Even Brandon, king of fractal geometry, ruler of the theory's underworld, president of the rain men, cannot explain why fractal antennas are so stupendous. I mean, I get it. I've been told: the capacitors and inductors but... I just can't wrap my brain around the pure beauty of it. I feel like I look at the world and SEE it and get it but the big secret is just without my reach.

So... I just stare, wide awake, tossing and turning like a toddler, sweatin' like my Mother, determined to get to the bottom of it all. Somebody_ just knock me out with a bat. Would you, please?

MOST BEAUTIFUL WEDDING

These are the wedding photos of my best friend Darci from CA. The groom is also a friend whom we grew up with... he was in my 5th grade class! Darci also danced with me year after year. I just reconnected with her and was shocked and thrilled to see she married Mr. Andy Wilson!

Whenever I see weddings, even on TV, I think "lame, lame, lame." No wedding or wedding dress has ever caught my attention like this. I can safely say this is my dream wedding- in an alternate universe. I love her hair, dress, flowers, mariachi band... even down to her earrings. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. I'm feeling thoroughly jealous.

OK- being sealed for all eternity was alright too.
BUT- I most certainly did not look like a sexy Spanish princess while doing it.
MORE LIKE- Child bride of Short Creek?

Nineteenth Century E-Harmony

Thoreau the spinster-poet. In the year 1850, when Henry reached the age of thirty-three, Emily Dickinson in nearby Amherst became twenty. Somebody should have brought the two together. They might have hit it off. I imagine this scene, however, immediately following the honeymoon:

EMILY (raising her pen)
Henry, you haven't taken out the garbage.

HENRY (raising his flute)
Take it out yourself.

-Edward Abbey, Down the River

Ah yes, as if I needed a reminder of why I am an Abbey fan. His hilarity delights me. I was flipping through my old copy I had given to Alex as a gift and re-reading selections. Brandon was looking for a new book now that he is finished with The Host. I dug up Down the River and begged him to read it, telling him all about how it made me go into Oprah's "ugly cry". He goes downstairs for an hour with the book and comes back up and hands it back to me.


BRANDON (gesturing with book)
I think it's good but I don't really get it. I don't have a big enough... what do you call it when there are a lot of big words?

ALANA (furrowing her brow)
Vocabulary?

That, my friends, is a true story.

Never a dull moment.


While we're talking about Glen Canyon:

What a loss!
But what's done is done.
AND... It's how the West was won!
Well, that and the Winchester 30-30.
If you like your life here in the desert,
your Hollywood movies,
or your oranges from the San Joaquin,
THANK A DAM.

Guantanamo

Executive order.

The puppy is closing in a year. I get that this will make us more friends on the playground. I get that torture and being detained without being charged is well, torture. But what about the murder of innocents? Is that bad? (I get that horrible things happened there... I'm not a total idiot. Or maybe I am. How would I know?)

Reminds me of a little thing called capital punishment. I get that taking another life is in some essence pointless and cruel but...

The whole damn point is that there is A PUNISHMENT AFFIXED.
The threat of a punishment is what deters criminals.

As far as I'm concerned, the minute you commit a serious or violent crime your rights go out the window. Am I missing something?

I think the love and peace people forget that there IS evil in this world. Nothing will ever change that. Surely there are terrorists laughing in their lairs today.... Wuahahahaha.

Why protect the criminals?
Especially at the possible cost of innocent American lives?
We need to get all the info we can out of these guys.

It seems like the good gets called evil and the evil good. (Ahem... ACLU... I'm talking to you.)

I say torture the sons a .... !!!


sorry... too much hype and hysteria for one day?

CIARA THE HORTICULTURIST

Ciara, I got a good laugh today while driving past the most tragic and hideous tree topping job I have ever seen. I was reminded of how you put a note on someone's tree once that said:

OUCH! TREE TOPPING HURTS!

It reminded me of these note cards I saw on Oh Happy Day. Nice Parking.
Maybe I shall gift you some homemade horticulture cards of your own:

NICE TREE TOPPING!

You, Ciara, crack me up!

Housebroken (clicky click)
For reals this time.
It's official.
What am I going to do?
I haven't gone back to work yet.
I'm trapped.
I only have a few ideas.
For money from home:

Cock fighting ring?
Dry weed in my oven?
Madame?
Bookie?
Nigerian phone scam?
Any other grand ideas?

You know how they say you turn into your Mother? I can only WISH! I do believe people tend to parent as they were parented. Again, I can only hope so. My Mom's parenting philosophies are so simple and profound and amazing. I idolize her.

One day when I was 5 I went on my Mom's evening walk with her. She was power walking up a steep hill and I tried to hold her hand. She gently shook it off and said, "I'm sorry honey, I can't hold your hand. I'm trying to get exercise."

Have you ever had the hot tears well up and you can hardly hold back your hurt? That's what happened to me from such a gentle let-down. It sticks out in my memory. Racking my brain, I cannot remember another time when my Mother hurt my feelings. Her parenting was so gentle. Gentle enough that one simple hand-hold rejection stands out. This is proof that she was unfailingly kind and patient. I can remember that as a teenager there was yelling as all Mom's and daughters engage but other than that all my memories are of kindness.

Apparently I was sensitive. Can you imagine the Dr. Phil defining moment had she yelled "callete" to me like the Moms in Ross do?

But don't get the wrong idea. Ask anyone who knows me or grew up with me... like you guys, my dear friends. Was my Mother not the most strict you had ever known? I can safely say I had the strictest Mom out of any of my friends from any given state. How many times did you guys say to me, "Just beg her. You can talk her into it." But I always knew my Mom's word was final. You just couldn't argue with her. Her authority didn't come from any sort of meanness, however. It came from NATURAL CONSEQUENCES. I knew if I broke a rule there would be a consequence. There were no empty threats. There was no negotiation. If my Mom said it, she meant it. She is in no way, shape, or form a mild or dispassionate woman.

Philosophies my Mom has always repeated and promoted:

-Ignore the bad behavior and reward the good.
-No empty threats.
-Be calm and firm.
-State everything in the positive: Instead of "don't do that" say "do this instead".
-Children crave boundaries and rules.

WOW! As usual, my Mom was so ahead of her time. Pick up any parenting book and you'll find: My Mother's words. It just came naturally to her.

Our home was strict but at the same time we had complete freedom to be ourselves. We wore what we wanted, ate what we wanted, kept our rooms the way we wanted. I never remember my Mom once telling me to "clean my room". That was my individual territory and I kept it however I liked.

Anyway, I can only hope I can parent like my own Mother. I love the idea of natural consequences... put a hole in the wall, you fix it. Throw a toy at someone, toy goes in the trash. All without screaming and freaking out.

My upbringing was:
Calm.
Firm.
Loving.
Gentle.
And most importantly, I was free to be ME.

Thanks Mom! Apparently it worked because I respect, adore, and love my Mom like nothing else in this world.

p.s. No wire hangars!!! God grant me the serenity to equally well control my inner Mommy Dearestness.

Mama's Girl

I'm looking through old scans on the computer and I think this speaks for itself.
Is it my imagination or is this the same baby?

Coming Back

Right now the worst part for me isn't the sadness or the feeling of loss. It's the feeling of temporal concerns invading, once again, the forefront of my mind forcing heaven to slip away. I'm not strong enough or selfless enough to get heaven back on my own.

So we're back. It was difficult but the absolute spiritual highlight of my life so far. I know the spirit world exists and functions on earth. The veil can be thin. We must strive to force doubt out of our soul with every fiber of our being.

Quinn is struggling. He tried to call his dad yesturday before he remembered. The hardest part is watching him and know I can't do anything to help.

But we are well. We have been lifted and supported by angels on earth and in heaven. We are happy. We are positive.

...and we are back.

I don't feel like I've escaped the woods with all I have and barely survived. I feel like I took a vaction to paradise and am extremely dissappointed the trip is over and things are different since I've left.

Welcome Back Larsons

My Big B and little A have been sick but are on the bright and glorious cusp of recovery.

The sun is shining
The birds are chirping
The Mama is wearing
makeup

The baby is playing
The Daddy is cleaning
The Mama is going
lunching

The Reeva* is waning
The laundry is washing
The Mama is sporting
a bra!


*My awesome Dad's term for diarrhea, squirties, the runs. (and YES, this one was the reeva with a capital R!)

Time Travel Mart

My nephew Jake called me up from the Echo Park Time Travel Mart the other day. I had to ask him twice... "what? where are you again?"

His girlfriend was down from Portland visiting and they went up to LA to this awesome little place. It is a non-profit that funds tutoring, etc.

Here is a link to a blog about it. Make sure to check out the video at the end. He says he will take me the next time I am down to visit him and Cara. Yes, Cara! She is moving back to Newport in 2 weeks!

I will perhaps purchase the concept of ZERO. Maybe a little nihilism. And certainly a dino egg. Preemie dinos are such a pain! You break, you buy!

Is Jake hip and in the know or what?

Her Own Woman

Some would theorize I can force Anika to do anything I want simply by disciplining her tough enough. And I suppose that could be true but at the expense of breaking her little soul. I've been doing some thinking. Anika doesn't react so intensely to the world and new situations just to be difficult and to make my life hard. She is so intense because she really, truly feels things that intensely. What other motivation would a one-year old have for rejecting with screams the unfamiliar juice, or stranger in her home? Anika is a real person that has come into my life, her OWN person. She developed her personality before she even came here and started showing it off days after birth! She is not a robot to be programmed. She is not a blank slate to be written upon. She is a person who in her own way talks to me and tells me what she likes and what she hates. My job as a parent isn't to change who she is but help her learn to manage her own INTENSITY. My job isn't to force but to gently and lovingly lead and encourage while maintaining her trust in me. I want every day for her to be positive. I'm trying harder to realize that her reactions are REAL to her. She isn't just trying to be dramatic. I try to listen to her needs and respond to her fears, while nudging her along into new territory ever so slightly and gently. She is such an interesting little person. I never expected her to be so... herself... but I guess that's because I hadn't met her yet. It is such a beautiful and wonderful experience to get to know this little lady. I only hope and pray I can be what she needs in a Mother. I love you Anika darling.

How is Q going to do this?

Summer

From craving snow to craving summertime...
I can't wait to take Anika swimming this year. Pretty sure she's going to have to get this saucy little number. Does it come in my size?

Lake Arrowhead Snow

Oh, how I miss snow. This is Andrea's in Lake Arrowhead. The driveway may not look like a lot of snow but that's because they shoveled constantly for a week to keep it from piling up. The bottom picture of Ian is more accurate for the actual depth of snow. I miss waking up and turning on the local channel to see that school is canceled. Back in the day (60's-70's) my Mom said people used to cross-country ski when the roads were closed. During the most epic storm my Dad had to shovel a tunnel to the street because the snow was over the doors. When it would snow this much we would jump off the second story deck into the snow and completely disappear. If it's gonna be cold... might as well have the novelty of snow, right? Kind of craving a real winter here.

Andrea just started her new job... ski instructor at Snow Valley. She makes her own hours and gets to ski for money. Snow Valley is where my parents were both ski instructors- that's how they met. They were on their way home from a ski school meeting and didn't feel like going home so they drove 4 hours to Vegas instead and got married! What the?

Andrea's cozy basement: they call it "The Lair" Check out the snow... it's almost as tall as Ian.

Williams - Family Photo

Sorry to bombard you with so many posts at once but I had to catch up since I was out of town. Enjoy!

My whole family all together at Kelli's house. This is the first time we have all been together for years. We are going to try and get together every other year at someone's house.

Williams - Christmas in Denver

Portland had a much whiter Christmas than Denver. While we were enjoying our stay at Kelli's, Portland was still cold and blizzardy. They even closed the airport for a couple of days and Herb's family couldn't leave their house for a week. We barely made it through the gorge before they closed the freeway.

On Christmas Eve we reinacted the Nativity story. Sage was Mary and Aidan (Doug's son) was Joseph. Herb was the narrator and the kids looked so cute.

CHRISTMAS MORNING

Brandon and Ava in her new Little Mermaid costume

Grandpa McClean

Sage _ Tinkerbell Fairies

Herb and Herbie - A new cool watch from Ciara

Williams - Hanging out @ Kelli's

We spent a week at Kelli's house in Denver with my whole family. Herb and I drove 25 hours, Doug & Becky drove 14 hours, Erin & Kyle rode the train 14 hours, my dad flew from SLC, my mom flew from Portland, and Dave, Kelson, and Nolan just live an hour from Kelli. There was 22 of us staying in Kelli's house so it was chaos but well worth it. We had a great time together. We went ice skating, went to a movie, ate together, played games, and just relaxed.

Sage & Herbie in their ice skates. Aidan in the background. I can't believe they make skates small enough for Herbie.

Erin, Sage, & Kyle

Herb & Herbie

This is Herb wrestling with all the kids.

Williams - The Artic Blast

The snow just kept coming and we were able to build a snowman.