Slow Stabbing

My CTR class had 11 kids in it today instead of the usual 3 or 4.
It could only be described as a slow stabbing.

Alana Without Doxylamine Succinate

When I'm trying to kick the Unisom habit, the thinking habit returns. What a pest! Let me rest!

Tonight I've been thinking about a lot of things.

You all know that I am a 'hit and miss' gift-giver. If I'm feeling it, I'll gift. I thought about purchasing this book for Nicole last year. I hadn't read it for years but picked it up again one evening and it left me pondering like it always had. (Also desperately trying not to infer sacrilege.) In the shower. Or when I was supposed to be fully immersed in a floor puzzle with Anika. Or when I should have been sleeping.

When I decided to go buy the book for Nicole at Little Professor, I knew it would be tricky getting a parking spot. The entire way over there I planted the seed-thought that the spot right in front would be available. I pulled right in. I pushed open the glass doors and in one fell swoop my eyes darted to the very back of the store. Before even stepping inside, I could see the familiar feather cover (just one copy) perched on the top shelf. It was illuminated and waiting for me thirty feet away. No looking. No searching.

I hadn't thought about that in a while. It makes me giggle.

Morning is going to hurt like it always does. Even more than thinking about the Adam of my soul. Or the seven depths of depth. What is it about my body and/or brain that makes it think it's nocturnal? What caused the hidden treasure to desire to be known?

It takes just half of a tiny blue tablet to knock my whirling dervish down.
But it's too late now.

I'm going to go to bed now to stare at the inside of my eyelids until Brandon's alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. Goodnight.

Well then, I guess congrats is in order for Nic I am really excited for you both you are going to be the best/smartest parents that a child could ever have this is awesome!!!

I feel so left out I think I may run down to Target and adopt a Cabbage Patch kid they come with real birth certificates bottles and diapers to change don't they????

Well three moms out of four is saying something all of you must be doing something right.

I guess we may need to schedule a play date not a girls weekend hmmmm.......

Seriously people...

So what... You tell everyone you're quitting because you don't want to work this hard anymore and suddenly everyone's in a panic, like you tilted the globe off its access or something?

Then they find out you're pregnant and suddenly their world makes sense?

Like- no, of course she's not quitting because she doesn't want to work this hard. (nervous laughter inserted here). And for a minute there we thought someone was shaking the way things move and have always moved in pub ed...

...Like they can accept prego but can't process: I work too hard and I'm fed up with feeling like the only one who is working this hard so I'm taking matters into my own hands and no, I will not give my life up for this anymore no matter how good I am.

Is stay-at-home wife really THAT social-taboo in Utah?

"Oh- NOW we know why you're really quitting,"= BUGgy!

I want my STATEMENT making power back! Quitting isn't 1/2 so much fun now that everything let out a sigh of breath because they think it's because of the kid.

FYI: I would have done it anyway.

What's going on everyone????

Ciara your baby is so cute I wish I had one of my own.....

Can I come up there and kidnap yours????

I have to say that when you are small you sure do think that things are bigger than they seem. I just got back from Disneyland and the castle there in the middle of the park was like a mini castle compared to the one in Florida and I remain unchanged Disneyland is just plain Ghetto compared to Walt Disney World!!!!!

Two days in Cali were a welcome vacation.

Yes Alana I do exist and you can call me for lunch any one of these days I will be free for almost any day that you like so don't hesitate to call and kidnap me for a day of eating great food and looking for fun things to buy at TJ"S

I love you all and I miss you all. Can we plan some sort of get together or vacation to OR something anything PLEASE!!!

F is for FO SHIZZLE.
D is for DUUUUUDE!
V is for VENDETTA.

Sensational.

Jake took these photos while skiing with Ian after the big storm last week. They ski while Andrea is working and even have family ski days when she's not. That sun is setting over the ocean. It's way out there but if it was clear, you could see it. When it's clear you can see the ocean from the rim in Lake Arrowhead and when it's really, really clear you can even see Catalina Island! Home will always be home. There's just something about it. I love this second photo and the lift chair up in the corner. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Sensational. Wish I was there.

Starting very tiny, I had ski lessons once a week at Snow Valley during the wintertime. They were after school, night skiing. It didn't take me long to realize I could ditch class and my Mom would think I was in class. I remember convincing my friend, Ashley, to ditch with me once but otherwise, it was just me.

I couldn't stand my instructor that year. I thought I was really cool because I had some tight, black, stretchy ski pants. One week my instructor brought me her daughter's old, puffy, pink, traditional snow pants with suspenders. Apparently, she thought I just didn't have the right equipment when, in reality, I thought I was the cat's meow for wearing what the other girls were not. This offended me. I was eight, full of guile and skiing alone.

I remember one evening with Janna. We thought we were so cool because we could do the Bubblegum Trail. Janna crashed and her skis went off the side of a huge drop-off. It was getting dark and there were no night lights back there. Janna had to hike down to get her skis. I was inordinately terrified because I was raised on the following story and it's punchline: a book of matches would have saved his life. My parents were both ski instructors and my Dad was on Ski Patrol. The Patrol had to search the back side of Snow Valley for a missing man one day. My dad found him. Frozen. That has a way of sticking with a small child.

Comparable would be when my Mom found it appropriate to tell me, "If you wander off from me in the mall, someone might kidnap you, take you to the bathroom and cut your tongue out so you can't tell people who you are." I was frozen. In fear.

I have brought that up to her and she says she truly wasn't trying to be sensational, but saw it on the news. She was just doing her duty by giving me the facts. My Mom, always the realist. So, so, so terribly honest. If I ever got really sick as a kid and asked her, "Mom, am I going to die?" she would reply, "Well, I don't know, honey, but I don't think so." She turns 70 this March and she still ain't sugar coatin' nothin'! I still rely on her to give me the cold facts.

Happy Winter.

Williams - Nora Alexis

I am finally getting around to posting our great news. Herb beat me to the punch and posted on Facebook while I was in labor so I figured that it didn't matter how long it took me to post here.

As usual my OB's day off was the day I went into labor. I have never actually had my doctor deliver any of my babies. It is always their day off when I go into labor. My water actually broke on its own this time and I wasn't even in labor and didn't start having contractions for a couple of hours after it broke. Everything went well though and I chose to do a natural birth again. Herb's mom tells me that I was born to give birth because of how well I handle the pain so I might as well have 20.

Nora Alexis was born at 8:25am on January 13th. She is beautiful, she looks just like her brother and sister. Nora weighed 9lbs. 2 oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long. I knew she would be at least 9 lbs. She weighed the same amount as me when I was born. Why can't I have small babies? Mom said it hurts no matter what size they are but would it hurt less? Nora was even 9 days early which was quite a surprise, I thought she would last until next week. I am glad she didn't because she would have been much bigger. We are so happy she is here. I told Herb two hours before my water broke that I am finally tired of being pregnant. She must have been listening and decided to grant my wishes.

When the family came to visit us at the hospital, Herbie told them that "The Baby Got Out!"He also kept telling anyone who was holding her "My Baby!" Then when Herb's mom was holding her he said, "Be Careful, she breakable!" Whenever she cries, Herbie gets close to her and puts his finger to his lips and says, "Sh! Sh!" in a very kind sweet way.

Happy Birthday Nora!

Congrats Ci! 3 kids?!?!?! No way! This is the part where time flies away and we wonder how we're not in high school anymore isn't it. When you get a chance, give us the full breakdown.

Williams - Surprise Snow

Isn't she cute!

It started snowing today totally unexpectedly. We took advantage of the rare occasion.

It is still coming down.

Williams - Christmas 2009

We had a great Christmas. We got the kids a puppy for Christmas. She is adorable. We named her Dakota. The kids have played with her outside every day for the last few days even though it is cold. They are having the time of their lives. Yes, we are crazy to have a puppy and a new baby in the same month. We like to live on the edge:)

My Dream Bedroom

Snow Valley

Check out my sporty sister, Andrea at snow-valley.com
I'm so jealous of her job. She agrees, it's anything but work.
What a babe.

High School Memories

Nicole,

I was going through some old boxes today and I found this note from Mr. Gust. It brought back memories of what fun we had in his class. He was a funny guy. This is what the note said:

Did you guys see this on Saturday? I was laughing so hard. I had to rewind the DVR and watch it twice. SNL still gets me rolling now and again. It's worth sitting through the commercial. I really feel that excited sometimes; that's what makes it double funny.

El Raton

Do you remember when My Mom, Janna and I put the gist of our worldly possessions in the back of the orange Ford truck and headed for the tip of Baja? And ended up living with Cara and her roommate, Heather, in Newport for over two months?

One day, all five of us were piled in Cara's car, headed somewhere.
My Mom was driving. She saw one of these
and said, matter-of-fact, "Did you know your Father had a Woody when I met him?"

The side-splitting laughter was instant. The tears started rolling.
My Mom didn't get what was so funny and kept saying, "What? He did! I swear it!"

Still, we couldn't get it together. It was too hilarious to hear her repeating herself:

"What? What's so funny? He did! He named it El Raton! It means The Rat!"

That might have been the single funniest moment of my life.
When we told her that Woody nowadays does not mean a car,
she was the one laughing until she cried.

Satan Claus

Long ago, my brother had a girlfriend who was from Paraguay. Her English was not perfect, nor her written English. We spent Christmas 2003 at their house. It was there I spied, underneath the tree, a small package wrapped neatly in colorful paper and tied with a gift tag that read:

To: Alex

From: Satan


This little memory is my go-to for a quick belly laugh. Never fails. Am smiling as we speak.

Do you guys have anything that you remember when you need to illicit a laugh from yourself?

Williams - Sage's Violin Recital

Sage started taking violin lessons in September. She had her first recital on Friday. She did so great and I wanted to share her with you.

^Andrea and Ian's awesome new house! That is her awesome new boyfriend, a fellow ski instructor. I hope when I visit, I get snowed-in underneath five feet for a week. I really get homesick for Lake Arrowhead this time of year.

^This is the view from her back porch.
I can't wait to cozy up to that fire.

OH YES, LES!!!

Alana, you got me with this one. I have not a second to spare today but I can't help but respond about this ever passionate topic in my life!

Quinn and I have OFTEN had this debate! We talk about Bear and Les all the time. I liked Bear in the beginning- but he's gone all shock-value and his show is totally sensationalized. I'm for sure a Les girl. He's authentic. Did you see that one where Les was in Alaska and the ice melted but the crew didn't know where he was and couldn't find him. He almost died! And I'm pretty sure he cried. They finally got him on the radar and sent a copter in. And the wolves! I didn't even mention the wolves!

Yes, Les is for sure more realistic and plausible. I mean come on Bear, are any of us ever going to be stranded in the Bedouin desert of Pakistan and just happen across a camel carcass? No thank you, I do NOT need to know how to gut a camel carcass and sleep inside of it!!!

The Eternal Question

I often find myself pondering... Bear Grylls? Or Les Stroud?

Man Vs. Wild stands alone in its ability to trigger my gag reflex as much as... anything else. I especially tune in when he is going somewhere cold because there is a high likelihood of Bear getting wet and taking his clothes off all the way down to his cute little British boxer briefs. Who can refute the hotness:

Faults? A little too hyper. And perhaps a little too hairless. You just know the second the cameras are off he sets down that elephant dung and dines on whatever is flown in for him. Whatever. He was a member of the British Special Forces. Me likey.

But what if you were forced to choose? Would you take the hyper, hairless Brit? Tempting. But I think I prefer my men a little less fancy. Enter Les Stroud:

Hairier than myself. The smallest bit of flab on the midsection. Hmmm. Yes, I like this. His show Survivorman isn't as spastic. He has no crew. He films himself. He is calming. Soothing. Less fancy-pants with less fancy pants. Probably wears faded, threadbare underwear.

So girls. You have to survive in the wilderness with one of these men. I'm sorry but you cannot have both. Who is it going to be? Are you going to let Bear boil you some crawdads in a hole in a rock, holding out hope for the British Skivvies? Or will you let Les shoot you a grouse, taking comfort in his calming presence?

Me? The winner is going to be Les.
A bit more man.
A little less spastic.

My Life In Pictures

Yet another award-winning photojournalism essay by yours truly.


^This is what morning looks like. Anika likes to get in bed with me and watch cartoons (since I'm already watching them).

^This is what hair looks like when you are two, terrified of the unfamiliar Thanksgiving guests and have had your head buried in the couch for an hour like an ostrich. If I can't see them, they can't see me.

^This is what the clean laundry looks like when you are married to Brandon. Happily knee-deep in black marabou jigs since 2003!

^And when two readers fall in love, they make baby readers. This photo was not staged. And that's a toy catalog, by the way.

^ Whilst not propagating my own species, I propagated leaf cuttings of my upstairs ZZ plant to this new pot downstairs. And I finally dusted all the filthy blinds.

Isn't it all so exciting?

But sometimes it really is. The sisters came from CA for the holiday. Also Jake and Ian. We had so much fun it hurt. It went down the only way we know how... Order hot wings at seven. Have second Thanksgizzle dinner at the stroke of midnight. Then heated political and religious debate until two (that's AM). All the while hysterically laughing, crying, testifying.

Now there's Christmas to look forward to and after that- well- dark and cold January. I'm going to try and go to Lake Arrowhead and Newport the end of January to give me something to get through that eventless month. Is eventless a word? I think we'll cut a Christmas tree down this Saturday, maybe the next, and that's about that.

Sometimes exciting.
Mostly mundane.
(marabou-jig mundane)
But I am deeply satisfied.
And happy.

Would Give a Kidney

This is one of my favorite design blogs, if not the favorite. She just opened up a store of refurbished/re-purposed items. I am in love with everything in it and would give a kidney to go to it. It's like she got inside my brain and created everything I love. I want absolutely everything for my house. I love everything so much that I actually dreamed last night that I boarded a plane to NC. (where she lives and has her store.) I was flying out to go on splits with the sister missionaries (that came from the talks in sacrament yesterday) but made time to visit the store. I bought everything, nearly missed my flight home and had a deep conversation with Al Gore in a parking lot of a sports arena (don't know where that came from) . I can hardly look at the things in this store. It's so much my dream stuff that one of the pillows I spy- the green and white in the dresser drawer- is the exact fabric I bought last week to sew new pillows and then returned. I hope I dream about all these pretty things tonight. It makes me want to gut my house and start over.

Williams - Getting Crafty

One of my friends had a great idea for holding bows instead of stuffing them into a drawer where I could never find them. So I learned how to make the following for all the bows that I have made for Sage. Yes, I made all the bows you see displayed. I am pretty proud. Another friend taught me how to make them. It is amazing how easy it is and how expensive they are to buy. I can make them for so much cheaper. Sage is holding the bow holders below but they are hanging in her bathroom.

Williams - Herb's 32nd Birthday

We celebrated Herb's birthday yesterday (the 17th). Sage and I had a few surprises up our sleeves. The first one was decorating the house (Sage's idea) she put streamers, ballons, and a birthday banner all around the house. Second, I wrote on a sticky label "It's my birthday today!" and I slapped it on Herb's back inconspicuously before he left for work. Hehehe, I was laughing all day whenever I thought about it. Someone at work saw it and wished him Happy Birthday and he asked how they knew and then the party poopers pulled it off his back. They should have let him walk around all day with it. LOL!! The third surprise, my mom ruined. On Monday the day before his birthday she asked him how he liked his fly swatter. So he already knew what gift he was getting. It isn't just any ordinary fly swatter though. It is a bug zapper and it is battery operated. Hours of fun. It electrocutes the bug on contact. The last surprise was a divine Banana Cream Cheesecake that I purchased from Zoe Buckley (she is a lady in our ward that makes amazing desserts and sells them). It was delicious. Below is a picture of Herb and the kids at the party. Sage had planned games such as keep the balloon off the floor, pin the tail on the donkey, and dance in the dark with flashlights. Needless to say it was the best darn birthday Herb could ask for!!

PATHETIC!!!

Exactly 60 seconds after my last post I took the "Which Tilight Character are You Most Like" quiz.

I'm pathetic.

Edward Cullen

You are Edward Cullen. Charming and polite yet stubborn and overprotective, your desperately adorable crooked smile bears the weight of your inner pain and self-loathing. Your salvation lies in love -- though you won't admit it, you feel you can save your soul in the arms of your true love, Bella.

Dearest Alana, Yes yes Yes

Sure, I can snap some pics for you. I don't think I'm very good at it but I love to try!!!! When do you want to go out? Weekends are best. I feel so bad I've been so distant from everyone. I blame it on work (again). They're having us jump through flaming hoops and walk across spiked nail beds. I officially have decided to switch careers (for the millionth time) and do something new next year.

Anyhow, I could take some picks this weekend or next if you want.... but PS- I don't think I'm very great and don't totally know what I'm doing so...

At least we have New Moon in our future. Why oh WHY did I read those books again?!?!?!?! Now I'm all messed up in the head again. I can't stop thinking about Edward and wishing it was me. THAT is SO completely not healthy for a 30-year-old married middle school teacher. What the heck? I keep telling myself I'm going to quit Edward and then I lose total self control and do something like go out and buy the new moon soundtrack or try to win the VIP passes on 94.1 fm.

Is my life really that bad that I've become an escapist seeking refuge in teen fantasy/fiction?

No I say, no I say.

Still.

Edward. Edward. Edward.

Thank heavens I didn't have Twilight at my disposal during those first few years of marriage.

I need to see a shrink.

P.S. Q made me THEE best quesadilla just barely at 11 pm. Edward Spedward.

Cabin

Halloween

To the Mercy Killers (re-post)

Today's TravelinOma prompt:
~Have you ever been sick on a trip? Write a paragraph about it. Prompt: "I thought I was going to die. I was in______"

Well, I just had to cheat again and turn in old homework. When I read sick on a trip, I knew I already had written about just such an experience. So I will re-post:

To the Mercy Killers

It has been a poetry-post overload. I have been spending too much time reading my old book of poems, but I am enjoying it. Some poems, some phrases, some lines, are on microfilm stored inside my granite skull. Earthquakes rattle them up, and the words reverberate on my bones, but they are safe and constant inside my head. They are retrievable.

December, last year, I retrieved this:

If ever mercy move you murder me,
I pray you, kindly killers, let me live.
Never conspire with death to set me free,
but let me know such life as pain can give.
Even though I be a clot, and aching clench,
a stub, a stump, a butt, a scab, a knob,
a screaming pain, a putrefying stench,
still let me live, so long as life shall throb.
Even though I turn such traitor to myself
as beg to die, do not accomplice me.
Even though I seem not human, a mute shelf
of glucose, bottled blood, machinery
to swell the lung and pump the heart- even so,
do not put out my life. Let me still glow.
-Dudley Randall

It was mid-December. The Lake House was cold. Anika was sleeping in an unfamiliar crib at the foot of my unfamiliar, squeaky brass bed. Her crib, or maybe the floor, was slanted and she kept rolling into the side and waking up crying. I wondered if she, too, was starting to feel sick like I was.

During her short periods of sleep I would peek out the sheer curtains to the moonlit lake and crusty snow. I was keenly aware of the index card and pen I had placed on the nightstand. My thoughts were racing and I couldn't bring myself to jot anything down. Alex's memorial was in the morning and I was going to speak.

The cold was pouring through the single-paned window.
And I was getting sicker.

Brandon lay awake, motionless beside me. He had been helping with Anika and was aware of my impending doom. He knew, as I did, that I would soon be in the throes of food poisoning, yet he was typically unaware of the storm blowing up inside of my soul.

I soon got violently ill. I went down the hall and vomited in the toilet. "This is the first time", I thought, "I have ever tried to vomit quietly." I was in the top of an old A-frame home and was worried about my family scattered throughout. It didn't end with vomiting. This was the kind of sick you remember forever. The kind, like childbirth, you remember but can never recall the severity of.

I collapsed on the linoleum and curled up next to a heater vent that was underneath the cabinets. My chilled and shivering body lay there awaiting the next wave of vomiting. I remembered how Alex used to call this the "fetus position" instead of the "fetal position".

"It's between the In N Out Burger or that italian sausage.", I thought. Something hadn't agreed with me. I was suspicious it was grief.

My thoughts took me to the last time I was this sick .... It was December, four years ago. It was another A-frame Lake Arrowhead house, cold enough that I saw my breath in it once... Alex's house. It was the Christmas of the epic storm and we were trapped on the mountain. One of my tacos from our favorite eatery tasted funky but I ate it anyway. This was also to be the remember-forever type of sick. I was on my way back from the bathroom, almost to my bed, and I blacked out. I was alert for the first half of the collapse, trying to steer my heavy body away from the nightstand I saw coming towards my head. Blackness. My head hit the hardwood floor instead.

Alex must have heard the thump because when I woke up he was there. He frantically asked me what happened and if I was okay. (Have you ever stubbed your toe, been solicited for feelings, and snapped at someone?) I must have snapped something at him in my agony because he turned and left the room. I clearly had hurt his sensitive feelings.

So many small regrets.
So many big regrets.
Total loss.

"It could..." I thought... "It could be the grief."

There on the linoleum in the fetus position, I prayed. The only thing that came out was "Make it stop. Dear God, make it stop."

I don't remember getting sleepy. I had fallen asleep there on the bare floor. It was still dark out and I didn't know how long I had been there. I nervously remembered what had happened and quickly took inventory. "Do I need to throw up?" - "Can I roll over?" It had miraculously passed. Never in my life has food poisoning lasted less than 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. I felt okay. I felt comforted.

I nibbled on cookies all day and eagerly spoke at Alex's memorial.
It was a miracle.

Mortality.
Our corruption.
My grief.
My sick body.
This mouldering pain inside my flesh.
A clot. And aching clench.
A stub.
A stump.
A butt.
A scab.
A knob.
A screaming pain.
A putrefying stench.
Even though I seem not human....
still let me live, so long as life shall throb.
Dear God, do not put out my life.
Let me still glow.

___________________________________________________________


The Lake House.... mere hours before sickness ensued.