Primal Woman

The hormone talk with Nicole got me thinking... how much of us is really.... us? Sometimes I feel like there is nothing more to me than a brain, susceptible to the smallest fluctuations of hormones or abundance of receptor cells.

A cliff- dive of progesterone after birth had me avoiding even the sight of my own newborn. BUT, if Nanny Lori (Lortabs) was babysitting, tears of joy would roll down my cheeks while rocking baby. Through the whole postpartum nightmare the only thing I kept repeating to myself was, "This isn't me, this isn't me, this isn't me." I knew it had to be a physical thing but it felt so real. Life and death real. So, what is real?

One of my Professors once said, "Let's hear it for lust!" The entirety of our brains are wired to simply propagate the species. Is love some fanciful tale we have invented when really nothing more than pheromones and ovulation is involved? Is it the trick of nature? I feel so slighted. Sometimes I feel like nothing more than some hairy creature with no autonomy. I feel like the female Teen Wolf who not only howls and goes crazy mad but also menstruates with every new moon. It takes the moon 28 days to phase from new, to full, and back to new again. Creepy!

Day 14: I like to think about ovulation like the full moon.
I feel energetic. My skin looks good. I feel beautiful. I feel... well, we all remember New York, don't we? Gratefully, I have a husband and a strict moral code, because if I didn't you KNOW I would have gotten on my back for any one of those sexy suits we saw at the NYSE. I notice my ovulation without glancing at a calendar. Ovulation is what I call: Alana "in heat". These are the days I fantasize about putting on heels, a strapless dress, and going out dancing 'till dawn.

If your ovulation goes unnoticed, surely PMS does not! I feel fat. I retain water. I can't dress myself. My skin breaks out. Even the scratchiness of clothing makes me want to scream, let alone a husband leaving the trash on the porch to attract ants! Rage against the machine.

Pregnancy. I am calm as a lake at dawn. Progesterone acts like a sedative on your brain. It also relaxes your very body, like your vascular walls. Varicose veins. Sleepiness. And for me, nice as pie! Brandon loves me pregnant! He said it was the most pleasant 9 months of our marriage. Nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was mellow-yellow and that is sooo not me! Confession: Sometimes I think about getting pregnant just so I can have a few anxiety-free months. If only the depression didn't come afterwards... but that's a story for another day.

Remember this night on Nicole's houseboat?
Remember the full moon? I do. I have near-proof that I can't help but go skinny dipping under a full moon. Months later, while talking to my sisters, we discovered that all of us were skinny dipping under that exact full moon, on that exact same night. I was in Lake Powell, (at least until that boat full of guys pulled up with spotlights) Janna was skinny dipping in some hot springs near Salt Lake, Andrea was skinny dipping in Lake Arrowhead, and Cara was skinny dipping in the ocean in Newport. We always joke that we are like four witches. The kind with brooms and everything.

See, I can't help it. Nature calls. (and tells me to take my clothes off)


CHAPTER TWO: Primal Woman (that's me) likes Primal Man.
In a non-ovulating state of mind, is Alana really attracted to a suit? I suppose so... maybe if they know how to load a shotgun. Quinn put it eloquently once: "What kind of man", he posed, "doesn't know how to dig a hole and shoot a shotgun?"

What is sexy? Those suit guys are sexy because they are powerful, and perhaps have money. That is really hard for me to admit. I have previously liked to pretend that power or money is not an attractive quality. Then I read The Other Boleyn Girl and I sooo wanted King Henry. It was the POWER that was attractive. So, I admit it. Embarrassing, huh?

But seriously, what kind of man, I ask, doesn't know how to load a shotgun? Or pluck a turkey, gut a deer? Speaking of shotguns and shovels.... I saw an ad for Pet health insurance. Seems preposterous. I chuckled to myself and thought... "Pet insurance???? Don't you mean... a shotgun and a shovel?" Did I just get off the subject?

My man had better know how to: chop wood, tan leather, build me a lean-to, slaughter a wild boar, take a bra off with one hand, and build me a truncated stellated dodecahedron. I'll take a construction worker, oil driller, ice-road trucker, lumberjack, war hero, cowboy, bounty hunter or carpenter any day before some guy that gets manicures. Did you know that really exists? Man manicures? That sudden knowledge came with as large a thunderbolt of shock to my sensibilities as when I found out partial-birth abortions are still legal in some states.

Manual labor is sexy.
Rough hands are sexy.
War is sexy.
Yeah, I know war is bad and all, but dang those boys are fine. Primal Woman likes the protective, the jealous, the angry.
Bloodlust.

Sometimes I feel like a cave woman, nothing but a product of evolution (I use the term loosely)... as if all I need is a a nice cave, a woolly mammoth rug, and the most virile cave man I can find to fertilize me with the most survivable genes on the tundra.

Yup, that pretty much covers it.

But here's where the nurture, not nature, comes to play:
I find myself attracted to men who struggle. Men who struggle personally and emotionally. Boys with broken souls. "Soulful struggle" is NOT on the fittest list (survival of the fittest).
I can only figure its behavior modeling from watching my parents. They say you are attracted to the type of person like your opposite-sex parent. I would guess then.. that I like soulful, romantic, charismatic... alcoholics? I suppose it pets my nurturing nature.

Don't worry, Brandon and I talk about this and are open with all of our thoughts and feelings. He knows I'm into hypothetical ex-cons. We laugh because he is so the opposite. Thankfully! Two crazies DO NOT make one sane. Brandon is calm, sweet, simple, innocent... purely heaven-sent. There is no one more GOOD than Brandon. I love him, obviously. He does have the basic man-sexies covered too. (like fish hooks stuck in the upholstery of his truck...puurrr) Maybe its like complementary colors? I love blue, so why not orange?
Opposites attract... And I am attracted to opposites.

How much of Alana is Alana? How much of Alana is part of my Primal Soul? If you get right down to the grits... pre- cave man and pre-parented... before a physical body and worldly experience to interfere.... If you get right down to it... who am I? What am I becoming?
How will I learn to harness this body and make it work for me?

and.... If you see me out there... on the dark desert sand... naked... and howling at the moon........
Howl back!